And when it gets worse, it can get keep getting worse. Until you become so numb to the bad stuff, you can't decide if you are super healthy with coping skills, or you are on the verge of cracking.
My plate is very full with stuff and people who are weighing heavy on my heart. But god knows, it can always get worse.
I am finding it very difficult as a mother to raise teenagers. And the ones I gave birth to, are really putting me through it. I don't even want to say that because it will piss them off if they read this, but THIS is the hard stage. Fuck potty-training and teething. That is easy. This stage is where the shit hits the fan.
And while the shit is hitting the fan, and I'm clueless what to do, and what to say, or how to react, I am positive I am doing all of this wrong, I have to work in overdrive not to blame myself. The tape about me being a horrible mother runs through my head. I missed those years being high, I wasn't emotionally present enough, I didn't go to the park enough. I didn't play enough, I should have gotten out of this bad marriage sooner, I yelled too much, I didn't set a good example, I was overwhelmed and couldn't handle it. I fucked up…
While all of that could be true, there is a fair amount of trauma in my kids upbringing, and years I can't get back. And even if my best sucked, it was still my best. And now, I can only do what I can do to survive the aftermath of my life. And help them with what I can, and work like hell to not be destroyed by them. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. I fucking HATE that saying.
If "one day at a time" ever meant anything, it means everything now. I can't take it much more than a day at a time. Because every day brings me a challenge. And I can only get through each one as they come.
If I hadn't learned the tools to do this while in recovery, I might be dead right now. Because some days seem dark and hopeless. Some days hurt. Some days are not much fun. I take them as they come, go to bed, and know that if I keep trying to do the right thing, this all will work out as it is supposed to. It might not work out as I wish it would, but I have no control over that. And that is the most important and painful realization.
It can always get worse. I've known too many mother's who have lost their children within the last year. And of course, that is the worst thing that could happen. Our biggest fear as parents. But again I have no control over that either. We can't lock them up in a room and chain them to a bed, because I hear that is highly illegal. And I'm a mandated reporter, and I don't want my first call to be on myself. So I just take this slow, take the issues as they come, and try to remain on my feet. I am strong enough.