Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Anniversary

Today I have been married to Bob for 20 years. If I am to be totally honest, I have mixed feelings about it. As does he.  We are not sure why we are still standing.

I love him, he loves me.  We have four kids that are still living in our home.  We have a house, we have two dogs, the tortoise, and hope.  It is always that goddamn hope.  

There have been years where he should have left me, and there have been years that I should have left him.  I am not saying our love is stronger, or that we work harder than most couples.  In fact, there have been people on both teams that would say that we were both stupid to put up with so much from each other.  Maybe we are too lazy to go through a divorce.

I have considered divorce MANY times in the past 5 years.  I've sat down with two different attorneys to discuss my options.  I have thrown Bob out plenty of times.  I have begged him back plenty of times.  What this is, is dramatic.  

I am not saying anything here that isn't true.  Bob is reading this now.  We know the boat we are in.

We married when we were twenty-one years old.  We did it because we were madly in love and didn't want to live a part anymore.  He was stationed in 29 Palms, CA in the Marines.  I don't regret it.  Sure, there are things I would change.  But who wouldn't?  Bob and I have had some great times.  Times I couldn't imagine with anyone else.

We just started marriage counseling last week for the second time ever.  Bob is my family, my friend.  He drives me crazy, I get angry at his illness.  We have struggled through addiction, recovery, relapse, PTSD, lots of kids, death of a parent, loss of self, each other, everything.  We have gained some back, we have lost some again.  I am going to keep trying, until I don't want to anymore.  Maybe that will be forever.   He is my husband, and I love him.

Happy anniversary, my dear.  There is always hope.




3 comments:

  1. Is it wrong to say, "OMG, look at your bangs!" after such a serious post? Relationships are a rough row to hoe even without the added challenges of addiction. If you guys can be honest with each other the way you've been - I think you're doing great. I'm not sure marriage is about being madly in love and it kind of bothers me when I see all these people on Pinterest planning their dream wedding. I heard a better explanation in a movie - Dennis Quaid's character said, "Marriage is simple. Find the person you want to be in a foxhole with and when you're out of the foxhole, keep your dick in your pants."

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  2. WOW I remember that day (well kinda we were 21) I cant believe its been 20yrs and I agree who is madly in love anymore, marriage is work sometimes more work than other times. Keep forging ahead
    Happy anniversary DeGrees

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