Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I Won't Shut the Door on Any of My Rock-Bottoms.

I think I've hit a few bottoms in my life.  But this one is my darkest.

August 23rd of this year, I will have two years of sobriety.  I have had stretches of sobriety before, but never this long. If you would have told me that I could get any lower than I was two years ago, I wouldn't have believed you.  My marriage was absolutely explosive, my husband living in and out of our home every week.  My home was a trash house in foreclosure, my business was gone, my money was gone, none of my bills were paid, my children were sad and scared.  People on the outside were starting to notice.  Things were unmanageable and I was powerless.  I have never been so tortured.

On that Monday night in August, my husband and I were once again, having a meth-crash induced, rage-filled fight.  Screaming, throwing things, saying things like, "I'm going to fucking kill you" and "I am divorcing you, you asshole."  My son threatened to put a belt around his neck and attached it to his closet pole.  Luckily, my daughter walked into his room and stopped him.  My boy had had enough.  He wanted out of the nightmare.  I was absolutely woken up from this.

I was too afraid to bring him into the hospital because I had so many scabs on my skin, I was sure the doctors would know, and I would lose my kids.  It was the WRONG thing to do, but I wasn't able to make good decisions.  I slept with him in my bed to keep him safe.  I knew something HAD to change, or I was going to lose my kids and everything that wasn't already gone.

I haven't used since.  

That Friday, I did what felt like a very selfish thing.  I left my very sick family and went to a weekend retreat run by Hazelden.  Days three and four of no meth were about the time that I normally would decide I could "handle" a little.  This time, I went away to put the oxygen mask on myself, and gained some strength.  I needed to remove myself from my husband and kids and be with men and women in recovery, that love me.  I did it to fight for my life and my family's life.

None of that first week of my sobriety or all of the days since have been easy.  In fact, it's been fucking nuts.  But nothing since has been  something that would be made better by getting high.  Thank goodness.


  1. Bloggess had a link to you today, and in browsing your blog, I found this post. Please know that people you don't even know are thinking about you and praying for you and your family. You are beautiful, you are wonderful & you *can* do this!

    With love and prayers,

  2. You were my idol in high school, and right now... well, you are all over again.
    Tanya (Carrier)

    1. I could say the exact same thing about you. Thanks so much Tanya!