Thursday, June 28, 2012

Now I'm On Nightline...yikes.

Well, if you aren't sick of me yet, here is another piece.  I like this one better because it gives a little more hope at the end.  And he mentioned that Adderall works well for many people.  Which is true.  It is just dangerous for people like me.

One more thing, again, I honestly struggle with just being a regular mom.  That is all I have ever tried to be.  It has never come naturally to me.  I love my kids, that goes without saying.  And I wouldn't change having them, of course. I just felt overwhelmed by the normal stuff.  And amphetamines and stimulants helped me.  Until they didn't help me anymore.

Just so you know, the camera adds 1000 pounds, and I may never eat again.  I am not fishing for a compliment.  I'm just saying.



9 comments:

  1. Lol! Funny girl. I think what you are doing is great. If it helps one person it will be well worth it. You look amazing.

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  2. Wow...what an awesome story, Betsey! I understand that your kids may be a little embarrassed now but eventually they will come to see how brave you are and that what matters most is that you came out of the other side of that tunnel. I'm so glad I saw this because frankly, I don't have much energy most days either, and since I'm on 2 antidepressants that make me lethargic, sometimes I don't feel able to deal and get things done the way I'd like to. And maybe I would have tried the Adderall. I don't know. I do want to find ways to get more energy. Now that you're off what is it that's helping you to feel better? (And I'm not necessarily asking about another drug, but anything else you're doing in life that's helping you?) I talk about my depression all the time, not to seek sympathy but to be honest about what I am dealing with and maybe, help someone else who might also be depressed but might ignore it for years, as I did. I do want to shine a light on this disease and help others but I think right now I'm still trying to help myself get over the hump. Thanks so much for being so open. Yes, you do rock.

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  3. Thank you for your honesty. I think talking about issues like addiction and depression will help tai out the shame. We shouldn't be ashamed our brains are made up to operate this way. I have always had low energy, I believe. Which is why stimulants and amphetamines make me feel normal. Well...until they make me feel crazy, because the addiction takes over. What I do now is I try to remove the expectations I have about myself being perfect. I won't live up to how I think I should be. If the dishes stay in the sink, then they do. I am by no means perfect at this line of thinking. I actually suck at it. But I am working on it. To live in the moment and not care about it. As for being tired with the demands of life, I haven't really figured it out yet. But I take things in small chunks. Only worry about right now, and the tasks seem easier. Like I said, I am still trying.

    Thanks for your comment. I REALLY appreciate it!!

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    1. To be honest, I could give a crap if some of the stuff around the house doesn't get done, but I feel pressure sometimes from my hubby. He's a great guy and usually very understanding but people are different and things that bother him don't bother me and vice-versa. So sometimes I find myself getting frazzled to meet HIS expectations, not even mine. Sigh. We're trying to find the middle ground, where I try a little harder to get the kids to clean up behind themselves and he tries a little harder to be less anal about EVERY SINGLE THING being in its place. LOL The anti-depressants help me to cope but they drain me of the energy I need to do things and sometimes THAT gets me depressed again. I think we've sorted out that we could use some help, and just when I thought I had some my babysitter got a full-time marketing job...so back to square one. One day at a time is how I handle it. Thanks for the inspiration. Your kids should be very very proud. :)

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  4. I take Adderall. And Vyvanse. Don't worry, it's prescribed and in the ten plus years of taking them I have never considered meth or felt the need to take too much. I am only saying this because I want people to know that it is okay to be a woman and a mother of a child with ADHD and to realize there is a good chance they got it from you. I think a lot of the "supermom on Adderall" stories would not have started if those women did not feel so sneaky and so much shame and guilt for taking them from their children. Then it becomes a need to make it right and fix the mess and that requires all sorts of energy so may as well have another. Ironically, I struggle with allowing myself to consider my need for them as important as everyone else's needs (I'm a mommy cliche I know). I have no doubt there are many souls out there who simply struggle with addiction, and this is in no way my attempt to discount that. I just wanted to make sure the women out there who have never even stopped long enough to consider that their mental health is worth the effort it takes to see a Dr. And that getting your head in the right place before addiction has a chance to set in will often serve as the best kind of prevention. Good luck with your journey, it is very brave and very inspiring.

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    1. You make some important points. I actually believe I DO have ADHD. The more time I spend in recovery, the more I see it. I was constantly in trouble as a kid in school due to talking and sitting still. I have a hard time sitting still now (meth addiction can also cause ADHD onthe brain, but I think I had it longer than that)

      I think it is IMPORTANT for people to understand that many, probably most people who use it, take it as prescribed and need it. I agree with that. I was born with addiction. When I take one Adderall pill, I only want more. It wakes up the beast inside of me. What I've decided is that people with co-occurring ADHD and addiction, (or i should say me) cannot, no matter how hard it is to get things done, cannot take a drug like Adderall or anything else that is addictive. Because I end up, every time, abusing it. My addiction disease is more fatal than my (undiagnosed) ADHD.

      This TV piece was NOT how I wanted. I thought we were doing more recovery stuff. And I don't want people taking Adderall to feel that its wrong to do so. It's just, be careful if you have addiction. Because it is a hard road to get off of. But not everyone abuses it.

      Thank you for your comment!! I really appreciate it. I'm glad we can talk about this stuff. It's so important!!

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  5. I agree completely! I was thrilled when Vyvanse came out because I know so many addicts that I am absolutely positive are actually self medicating their undiagnosed ADHD. The fact that it was designed to be harder for addicts to get that same pleasure is just plain smart design. I always tell people:Sometimes ADHD is the symptom, sometimes it's the disease. The important thing is to stop the proverbial bleeding so you can think straight enough to dig through the mess that got you to that point. I hope you tell yourself every single day that you are still entitled to treatment for your ADHD (trust me on this one, it's pretty clear from your posts. Takes one to know one ya know:). Even if it takes longer and requires some alternative treatments. I think addicts sometimes feel like they have met their selfish quota for life and therefore can't ask people to be patient while they deal with one more thing. But you can and you must and it is the greatest gift you will give yourself and your family. I wish you the very best on all your journeys.....

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    1. My whole life and purpose for sharing my story is to lift shame. I done feel shameful that I was born an addict. I also am in school for chemical dependency counseling. I have gotten straight A's. My ADHD is manageable without meds. I'm lucky. I also suffer from anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. I work on these without meds.

      I was not only addicted to speed. I'm an alcoholic who started using cocaine because I could drink more and longer. I dropped acid, smoked weed, used opiates, ecstasy, mushrooms, ANY drug you had. Everyone has a drug of choice. Mine is meth or anything speedy. I have to be very careful with any drug. If I have surgery, headaches, dental work,, any medical problem, I have to be careful. It's not that I've used my "selfish" card, it's that I don't want to die. It has to come first. Not because of what I've done, because when I take ONE mood alternating chemical, my disease takes over and I'm no longer in control. I appreciate your comments;). I take better care of myself medically than ever.

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    2. Loved the story and you come across so REAL...I think you are doing great things already just by being so honest..and you are one of the funniest chicks I've met in a long time! Keep on doing what you are doing...you have an important story to tell.

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