I go to that one 12-step group for those people whose lives are affected by an addict or alcoholic, about once every six months. For a total of about 5 meetings. And I can tell you, I am a quick study, who is almost cured of any codependency issues.
Well...okay, not true.
I am totally blocked by that group. I know "they" say to give a meeting six tries before you make a decision on it. I always plan on going back, I just never do. It's very uncomfortable for me, which probably proves that I must really need it.
I also, because I am an addict/alcoholic myself, can't help but feel a little defensive in those rooms. I want to say, "well you don't understand what it is like," when someone is talking about their loved one. But that is making it about me. Which, by the way, is one of my specialties.
Another reason I feel cured is that I read the book "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie. (Side note, my iPhone doesn't let me underline or put titles in italics, so yeah.) I have struggled, as I have mentioned, with your illness, my illness and our illness. Couldn't quite take the yours and ours out of mine. I used to feel like, if he used after we had a period of sobriety, that he had "one up" on me. So I had to make it fair. Then I could get US sober again. I don't feel that way anymore. If he uses, he leaves. He can win that one. He chooses not to anymore, so it makes it easier.
I know recovery is a process. This part of his addiction being attached to my addiction, I have totally let go of. I broke up with his addiction.
When things are fairly smooth, like they are right now, I feel like I've got the codependency thing licked. I don't ever tell him to go to meetings anymore, I try not to tell him what to do, and I try to realize most of his stuff is from his disease, not him.
But then the dishes don't get done, because he just couldn't find it in him to do them. Or the kids have sat all day while I was out, him doing nothing with them. At these moments, I struggle. Because if he just did that, I could be happy. If he just overcame his bad day, and participated like my expectation set him up to do, I could be happy, joyous and free.
Of course all of that is bullshit.
So although some days the expectations seem reasonable. They are still my expectations, not the way it's going to go. What I do with that is where that one 12-step group comes in handy. I have to accept his limitations, and move on. My day doesn't have to be ruined because the dishes didn't get done.
Do I do this? About 60% of the time. So yeah, those meetings could really help a lot. I'll go, I'll go.
You skip the 12 step meeting for codependency because you feel like they are against you because you are an addict/alcoholic. Even though no one has ever said that.
I'm still posting from my phone, not computer. Patience is tricky.