I often make not-so-popular decisions, and then feel bad that no one supports them. Not that NO one supports them, but the people I know who WON'T support them, don't support them. And duh, I always know who will and who won't support my decisions, but I can get stuck expecting something different. I have had a need for everyone to understand my point of view. And why not? It always seems exciting and logical to me. When they don't think so, I dwell and dwell on why it is that they hate me. Even though no on said they did. It is a set up that I do to myself over and over again.
The reactions to my recent "outing" of myself have varied. Most people, folks in my 12 step groups, my friends, people I don't even know and the like, have been wonderful. Some of those closest to me, who have been personally hurt by me, have been a little less than that. This is because, they didn't know a lot of my story. I lied. That, my friends, is what drug addicts do.
I can hear one-thousand "you are awesome" and one "you are a jack-ass" and I will only think about the jack-ass comment. All day long. And often late into the night.
The degree in which people have been upset by this news about me (most didn't know I relapsed and turned to meth) has really surprised me. I look at my life now, and they are looking at my life then. How I acted, the things I did, huge lies I told. And there were some BIG ones. Because I am at such a good place with it all now, it was hard to hear that they are not equally as thrilled. The worst part of this is that I can't change their mind. That isn't even my job. I fricken HATE that!!
There are also people close to me, who don't understand why I would want to be public with this. They seem to be afraid of possible shame. They make it about them. Or all about me. This has nothing to do with any of that. Well, this does help keep me sober. But this also has to do with me trying to normalize addiction. I am planning a career in this field. The more I make it normal, the better my job security will be. Not to mention, if I can help someone take away the shame, then this is all worth it. Anyone's reaction, good or bad, is exactly that. Theirs.
Now that some time has passed from the piece on ABC News, things are back to normal Which helps me not feel responsible or worry that everyone is mad at me. I forgot that people need time to catch up. I think everyone is, very nicely.
This is my life. This is what I did. This is what I want to do. This is what I am doing. What ever anyone feels about that, even my own children, is something they are going to have to learn to deal with. And there is nothing unhealthy about that.
You Might Be Codependent if...
You feel like you owe everyone an explanation for what you want to do with your life.
You feel like you have to persuade everyone to agree with you.
You forget that everyone has a right to their opinion, its not your job to change it.
You read my stuff and still think I am responsible for how other people feel.
And randomly. Y. M. B. C. I. you turn the air conditioner off in your car because you feel sorry for it having to work so hard in the heat. I do that.