Monday, August 20, 2012

Chocolate cake is my chocolate cake

I was at the grocery store the other day, standing in the check-out isle.  Due to my weight-loss challenge made by my dad, I was of course, pretty hungry.  And of course, I was staring at this...

And this...

And this for god's sake...

Nutella is fricken delicious and we shouldn't pretend we want to put it on toast, or a pretzel, or bagel.  Let's be real.  That shit was made for a spoon.  Or my fingers.  Or hell, I'll just stick my face in there.  

For me, this type of food and crap, packaged, processed, unhealthy stuff is what I want.  I don't eat an apple and think, "wow, that was awesome and now I don't want chocolate."  I think, "that was good, but it wasn't chocolate, poor me."  

So then I got to thinking about people who never or rarely eat crap. Who enjoy eating healthy.  Those who eat an apple and it is for them, what eating chocolate cake is for me.  Do they stand at the check-out counter of the grocery store, where all of the candy and treats and think, "man I wish I could eat like four or five of those?"  Or do they even notice that stuff?  Do they think it looks gross?  Because I have changed my eating habits for a long period of time in the past, and no matter how long I get the crap out of my system, I always go back to the crap.  Sweets being the big problem. 

I know "they " say that once you get the sugar and chemicals and crap (I keep using that word) out of your system, you no longer want it.  I have not ever found that to be true.  But I am sure I haven't done it for long enough.  I just wonder if that will ever be true for me.  

The weight-loss challenge that I am taking part in doesn't call for much fruit.  So I will say that apples do taste better than they did a few weeks ago when I wasn't so freaking hungry.  So I just need to give it more time.  I just really like junk food.  Even when I know it is bad for me.  But I can see with all of the crap at the check out isle, I am not alone in that.  

A friend of mine posted on her Facebook wall that she was running a 5K this weekend.  She said she had yet to get a "runner's high" from running.  I said that people who talk about "runner's high" have probably never been really high.  But I have only ever run for twenty minutes straight, and never longer.  I am pretty sure that  I am a long way from getting any kind of high from working out.  

I would love to feel normal and happy getting high off of running. I would love to eat an apple or salad and have it feel like chocolate cake or a burger and fries.  I just typed that and realized I am wanting those things to make me feel different or better.  That is kind of not the point.  I should really just want to be healthy.  I do want to be healthy.  I just want to be healthy eating crap and not exercising.  Damn it.  

Okay, I have to work on my motives.  Maybe they get screwed up when you are offered money to drop pounds.  It has been two weeks since I started losing weight.  And I have lost weight, but I won't say how much until I reach my goal of thirty pounds gone.  I am off to a good start, and I still want to eat crap.  

When I grow up, I want to love running and eating healthy. 

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