Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Friends

My friends are and have always been, very important to me.  I have an easy time making friends, and when I do, I hold on to the friendship pretty tight.  Friendships are necessary for me and make me feel normal.  In many cases, I feel more connected with people than they often do with me.  It can be very awkward at times.  I'll run into someone I was close to in school or at a former job and get overly excited about seeing them again. Like we just hung out last week or something.  Often, they look at me in horror, like "let it go man, that was a long time ago."

I ran with the same girls I went to high school with for many, many years after marriage, before kids.  We got together on weekends with our husbands and went to bars, went to each other's homes, and had a lot, LOT of fun.  We would have brunch, go camping, cabins, and all kinds of good times.  Of course, drinking was involved, maybe some pot.  But other than that, these were not the kind of people I would chop up a line and snort with.  If Bob and I did that, we did that on the sneak.  They weren't into that.  

Once the kids started coming, we saw each other less and less.  Our big family got invited less and less.  Our brunches became less important to attend.  Sitters became more expensive for us, and less available with our big family.  Everyone else got busy with their families, jobs, obligations and we drifted apart.  I didn't really like that.  I still wanted to talk on the phone, get together, and be like it was.  I got really lonely and pretty resentful.  I like to keep my people forever.  Maybe that has something to do with my mom dying so young, I don't know.

Never mind the fact that I started working at a bar, doing drugs constantly, and became a very sick, pissed-off, and odd person to be around.  I am not sure what exactly I did or said at this point.  And it has been so long with some of them, I am sure it doesn't really even matter.  There is some work to be done with amends, when I get that far.  

I think my odd behavior puzzled the ones closest to me.  They tried to throw religion at me, because they didn't know what else to do. There was anger and confusion towards me because of the misunderstanding of my behavior.   Once they found out, some reached out and were supportive.  But after the relapses and all of the drama that became my life, I detached from them completely.  As did they.   Can't really blame anyone for that. 

I spent a long time with no friends, only my drugs.  I was not built to live with no friends.  That is a dark, scary, lonely place that I never, ever want to return to.  I need people.

Some of my old friends I still talk to.  We reconnected on Facebook, or just around.  We don't get together anymore, because that part of our lives is done.  That comes with having young, busy kids.  But I know who is out there.  And I believe if I needed anything, they would come.

Some day soon I will write an entire post about my friend Stacey.  We have been friends since 2nd grade.  She isn't in recovery, because she is painfully normal.  I watch her leave glasses of wine on the table because it doesn't taste good.  Huh?  What does that have to do with anything?  She deserves a whole post, because she is amazing and my best friend of my life.  I'll get to that soon.

And now I have so many close friends in recovery. I have become so close, so fast, with many.   I have had the most beautiful, coolest, funniest, wisest, most accepting, and kick-ass women put in my life.  My god we laugh a lot.  I am never alone.  It is weird to make good friends as an adult.  But I have done that with so many women.  Too bad for them, I NEVER let go.  Good luck getting rid of me ladies.  

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could be more like you! I am so shy that it takes a lot for me to have real friendships. I just don't trust readily enough. But the few close friends I do have, I treasure.

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