Monday, August 6, 2012

I got super fat

Yeah, yeah, that title maybe sounds too hard on myself.  And I am not writing this post to fish for compliments.  Those of you who are closest to me, or have seen me around know,  I have gotten fat.

I posted a few weeks ago about my dad and his comment on my being too pretty to be fat.  Well, he offered me $1,000.00 to lose thirty pounds.  Not only that, he has paid for and we ordered a fad diet that will allow me to lose all of this weight, very quickly.  I don't want to mention which one it is, because I am too embarrassed.  For real.  I won't do anything for money, but this seems like a win-win.

Now, I KNOW what you are going to say.  That isn't healthy.  I should just eat less and move more.  I should change my lifestyle.  Blah blah blah.  I know all of that.  It has gotten to a point where I HATE the way I look.  I am uncomfortable, I have heartburn, nothing fits me, and it is super, SUPER depressing.   I hate going anywhere because of the way I look. I am just looking for a jump start.  Then, THEN, I'll change my lifestyle.  Gym more, eat less.  Have those who know me heard me say this before?  No one said I was all the way cured of moronic thinking.  I am an American and a good little addict.  So, I want it NOW!!

For an amphetamine addict, weight is a trigger.  Being told you are fat is a HUGE trigger.  I know what I could do to lose this weight.  And it would be easy.  Until they take the kids away and I lose the house again.  Skinny doesn't feel good enough to do it like THAT.

So, I am going to take my dad up on his rude/loving offer.  I am going on this fad diet and I am out to lose thirty pounds.  He is going on it too.  We start today.  I wrote this yesterday, so I don't know how hungry I am yet.  I would take a picture of myself, but you saw me on TV right?  I am not going to take anymore pictures of this.  I really need to do this. And now that I have shared this humiliating plan with you, I have no choice but to stick with it.  The codependent in me won't let you down.  Damn it, I should have kept my mouth shut.

Yesterday, in preparation, I ate like an absolute pig. My dad had a party, and I went, just so I could stuff myself. It's kind of like knowing you are going into treatment the next day.  I got wasted on chow.

I know this is stupid.  But I'm doing it anyway.  What does this have to do with living free?  I'm still sober.  Still free.  If I can get this food thing under control, I will feel better.

Have a great Monday.  Thanks for reading.


**UPDATE**

Dad just called and said, "Don't be surprised if I lose more than you."

Oh, it's on old man. It's ON.

15 comments:

  1. Good on you.... I'll race ya!!!
    I have 15kgs to loose and then I get a paid for breast reduction... so I "get" you!!!!

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    1. Lets do it!! Mine will be easy if I follow this plan. But I have two girl's weekends planned in the next two months and a shit ton of parties. I'm going to have to have super strength, but it will be worth it. I hate that I love food so much. Good luck to you. That is a great incentive!!

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  2. only you could make this funny!!!!!!!!!

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  3. I need to lose the baby weight that's still clinging to my stomach, thighs, and arms, and my eating disorder brain is driving me crazy telling me to just restrict and drop it fast. But since I'm nursing, I can't. Part of me is looking forward to the day Simon stops breastfeeding, so I can drop it. But part of me wants him to nurse forever, because it's forcing me to eat healthy... Sigh.

    Good luck with your diet! I can speak from experience saying if you go about it in a healthy manner, not only will you lose the weight, but you'll feel better overall and have lots more energy. Crash dieting doesn't give you those benefits long term.

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    1. I do this once in awhile and lose weight, then tell myself to have better habits, then back to the same stuff. I know I need to do
      It differently. But I always think this time will be different. Just exactly how I thought about using. Hmmm.... Ugh. I'm still doing it.

      It's awesome you stay healthy while nursing. You can stick to it after!!

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  4. Good luck! At least he's doing it with you; competition (friendly, I hope) can be a good jump starter.

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  5. I think I've been my definition of fat (30 or so pounds overweight) since I was about 22. I'm 30 now. The scale just keeps creeping up slowly. I. Hate. It. I say all the time, "I wish I could just stop thinking about eating and smoking," because I think about them both constantly. If I'm smoking and eating too much, I'm think about how I shouldn't smoke or eat so much. If I'm not smoking or eating too much, I'm thinking about how I want to. I just want to erase these two thoughts from my mind. When will that be scientifically possible? In the meantime, I have tried EVERYTHING. Literally EVERYTHING. And the only thing that works, I've decided is counting calories. Which I've done through Spark People and now through MyFitnessPal. Both are free websites. I consistently lose a pound a day (no shit!) if I just follow my allowed calorie count. I don't even have to work out if I don't want to. Check it out if the fad thing doesn't work. No judging on the fad. Who cares how you lose stuff? I mean, seriously people.

    http://sm0ked.wordpress.com/

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    1. I totally have MyFitnessPal.com on my phone!! And I have been using it WITH this diet, starting today. I do like it because it makes me think about every food I put into my mouth. Wow, a pound a day!! I agree. Just get it off!! Thanks.

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  6. Every post you write makes me feel more like we are soul mates. I wish my dad would make me such a rude/loving offer. I'm super jealous. :) Ugh....I hate being fat. Shopping for clothes is the worst....if I don't count looking in a mirror without them on. I fucked up and did that a few times....now I avoid that at all costs.

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  7. I wanted to let you know about the COR Retreat in Wayzata, Mn. They help people struggling with food addiction. I am not judging that you need this program but just wanted to let you know that it is available. I went through it over a year ago myself and it was life changing. It is not a diet or medical weight loss program. It is a spiritual program that uses the 12 steps. It is common that people put down one addiction and pick up another. Just wanted to let you know that there is hope beyond diets out there that really work.

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    1. Thanks Traci. By the way, the diet was a failure. My dad lost 30 pounds. I gave the food to my sister, and she lost 27 pounds! So I can feel good about starting them on a good road!

      I started a Couch to 5K last week. I'm not dieting, but I'm going to run a 5K. Also, I've started this running program four other times. But, this time I have my daughter and husband do it.

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  8. I pigged out the 2 days before I started going to the gym. I think there's a law that says you're supposed to. Just like the law that says you can't go to rehab sober. lol

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