I don't know exactly what it is about this past few weeks, but it seems like many people around me are struggling. I have friends in treatment (thank goodness), friends with financial trouble, friends with health problems and friends with loved ones who have health problems. It seems that everywhere I turn, there is another person I care about that is hurting.
Sometimes these instances make me sleepy. Because I feel so bad for people. This is the same reason I don't really watch or read the news much. Often I get too sad about it. Bob used to wake up before me, (once upon a time) and check CNN. Then he would greet me with the most horrific story of the day. There is no way I like to carry the weight of those stories on my shoulders through my morning. I have a hard enough time carrying my own shit.
This, of course, doesn't mean I don't want to hear about the troubles of the people closest to me or of the world. So you fellow co-dependents out there PLEASE don't feel like you can't talk to me about your troubles because you feel bad, about making me feel bad, about your feeling bad. For god's sake what a tail-chaser that is. I am just saying that lately, it seems that there has been a lot of sadness around. Like the universe is out of whack.
What I do know is this. I cannot take the pain away from my friends that are hurting, or my husband who is forever hurting, or the world that is hurting. I am not that powerful. Did you know? Yeah, it isn't in my power. And I can have compassion without debilitating pain. But some days, I don't see this. And I get depressed. I get lazy, sleepy, and I want to be left alone. Then I get anxious. It is a brutal circle.
These times of the depression seem to be coming less and less as I remain sober. But they still happen. I am not really suffering right now with extreme depression. But I am feeling anxious and a little helpless. This is partly because of the above mentioned troubles, and partly because of the shift in schedule. Two kids switching schools and myself starting school. Back to a rigid schedule. So ready for it, but it always ruffles my feathers when the school/summer/school shift happens.
But if I take it all one day at a time, and understand what I can and can't do for people, I can usually work it out. And this is a form of living that I didn't even imagine possible. Corny (like me) but true. And when that doesn't work, I freak. Process of recovery.
Unrelated to this post....
Today is my dear husband's birthday. He is 42 years old. For the next month he will be a different age than me. I like when that happens.
He is a good man who is having a shitty time. Sober, but not well. If you pray, meditate, throw positive vibes out into the universe, or whatever you do, you could send these to Bob as a gift. And today, I will do what I can to make sure he has a good day. Or at lease not the worst day.
Happy Birthday Bob. I love you and I hope you have a year that inspires you.