Thursday, August 30, 2012

Some days suck...Oh and it is Bob's birthday. Not related to each other.

I think sometimes I fake paint a picture that I am a perfectly floating recovery angel that can handle any mess.  Or maybe you just read that and laughed out loud, because that is the furthest thing from the picture I paint.  Either way, the truth is that some days are horse-shit.

I don't know exactly what it is about this past few weeks, but it seems like many people around me are struggling.  I have friends in treatment (thank goodness), friends with financial trouble, friends with health problems and friends with loved ones who have health problems.  It seems that everywhere I turn, there is another person I care about that is hurting.

Sometimes these instances make me sleepy.  Because I feel so bad for people.  This is the same reason I don't really watch or read the news much. Often I get too sad about it.  Bob used to wake up before me, (once upon a time) and check CNN.  Then he would greet me with the most horrific story of the day.  There is no way I like to carry the weight of those stories on my shoulders through my morning.  I have a hard enough time carrying my own shit.

This, of course, doesn't mean I don't want to hear about the troubles of the people closest to me or of the world.  So you fellow co-dependents out there PLEASE don't feel like you can't talk to me about your troubles because you feel bad, about making me feel bad, about your feeling bad.  For god's sake what a tail-chaser that is.  I am just saying that lately, it seems that there has been a lot of sadness around.  Like the universe is out of whack.

What I do know is this.  I cannot take the pain away from my friends that are hurting, or my husband who is forever hurting, or the world that is hurting.  I am not that powerful.  Did you know?  Yeah, it isn't in my power.  And I can have compassion without debilitating pain.  But some days, I don't see this.  And I get depressed.  I get lazy, sleepy, and I want to be left alone.  Then I get anxious.  It is a brutal circle.

These times of the depression seem to be coming less and less as I remain sober.  But they still happen. I am not really suffering right now with extreme depression.  But I am feeling anxious and a little helpless.  This is partly because of the above mentioned troubles, and partly because of the shift in schedule.  Two kids switching schools and myself starting school.  Back to a rigid schedule.  So ready for it, but it always ruffles my feathers when the school/summer/school shift happens.

But if I take it all one day at a time, and understand what I can and can't do for people, I can usually work it out.  And this is a form of living that I didn't even imagine possible.  Corny (like me) but true.  And when that doesn't work, I freak.  Process of recovery.

Unrelated to this post....

Today is my dear husband's birthday.  He is 42 years old.  For the next month he will be a different age than me.  I like when that happens.

He is a good man who is having a shitty time.  Sober, but not well.  If you pray, meditate, throw positive vibes out into the universe, or whatever you do, you could send these to Bob as a gift.  And today, I will do what I can to make sure he has a good day.  Or at lease not the worst day.

Happy Birthday Bob.  I love you and I hope you have a year that inspires you.


  1. My boyfriend said on August 1 that he hates August. It's always been a bad month for him. And man has it ever been a sucky month! Because its been sucky for him , in return it has been sucky for me too. Lot's of sadness, financial troubles, hurt feelings, etc has happened ALOT in just a few weeks. So i'm holding tight to the thought that once September is here, things will improve.
    Happy Birthday Bob!! I pray that you have an amazing day on your birthday and every day forward.

  2. Summer/school shift is overwhelming me as well. I go into hibernation mode because of dread. We always make it to the other side and summer arrives again. It doesn't help that winter time is harder for people with depression. My bluest time.. I'll be thinking of you and selfishly taking comfort that I am not alone with these feelings. Prayers for you and Bob on his birthday.

  3. After 2 and 1/2 years of dealing with my mother's dementia and various mental illness issues, I had an epiphany (I'm a slow learner, I know). I was reading a devotional that said to meet people where they are and what they are and to not try to make them what YOU want them to be.'s been so freeing. I also find the world overwhelming at times and have experienced extreme panic attacks in the past so I try to limit my exposure to CNN. Happy Birthday to Bob...hope it's a great one.

    1. You honestly have no idea how I needed to hear that. Thanks.

  4. Praying for your husband. He sounds like an amazing guy, and I really hope he can learn to conquer his demons so he can enjoy life to the extent he deserves! Happy birthday, Bob.

    And I hate to admit it, but I'm like him in the news realm. I read stories I know will break my heart, just from the headlines. Then overwhelm Josh with them. He would take news off the TV/internet/whatever and live with just NPR if he could. And since it's his birthday today (the 31st; our hubbies are almost birthday twins), I will commit to making more of an effort to not dumping horrific news from around the world on him.

  5. Happy Birthday Bob! You are a good man and I love you and Betsy as a couple. I know all of your kids and they are great. When I spoke to you at baseball about how strong Betsy is, I didn't know of the blog and how hard you were also working. I give you credit for working through things too. you have many blessings already, keep them coming!

    1. I know who you are:) And we really appreciate all of your comments and encouragement. It is so great to have your support. It can seem scary to "come out" like this. But we think it is important. Thank you VERY much, and I'll see your beautiful face around!