Thursday, August 23, 2012

Two years ago, a friend of mine...

What can I say about today?  This day is more important to me than any holiday, birthday, anything.  This is the day I was given my life back.  Without this day, everything I have would be gone.

Two years ago, I was on my first day of my sobriety.  I was crashing so hard off of meth, that all I wanted to do was eat, sleep, and cry.  I cried and cried and cried.  Not because I was quitting meth and I didn't want to.  I wanted to quit.  But because crashing from meth makes you SAD.  Sad, depressed, hopeless, sleepy and FULL of rage.   It is the most scary, sad, soul crushing feeling.  Two years ago was far from my first meth crash.  I had crashed off of that drug plenty of awful times.  But two years ago was my LAST crash.  I don't ever want to feel that sadness again.  The beautiful part of sobriety is that if I keep doing what I am doing, I don't ever have to crash again.

Like I said before, my life in recovery isn't perfect.  I still have my problems.  I am grateful for my problems.  My marriage is still very shaky , my kids still have kid problems, my money is still tight.  Some days suck.  But I am lucky that I never think, "meth will make this better."   I am not foolish enough to believe that this won't happen to me.  Because it might.  But if I keep working hard at this,  go to my meetings, hang with the winners, and help where I am needed, I know I can stay in recovery.

My first attempt at long-term sobriety, I had decided I would remain sober for one-year.  I wanted to speak at Hazelden, and they had a one year of sobriety requirement.  So I made it.  But I got complacent with my life and stopped going to meetings, was not strong enough in my program, played with fire, and got burned.  The meetings, the program, the people and even writing this blog, are my medicine for my disease of addiction.  And I cannot ease up on any of these things, or I will get sick.  Every time I have ever done that, even for a week, I have relapsed.

THIS time I decided that I would remain sober for TWO years.  So, here I am.  I honestly love my life in recovery so much, that I do not want to go back to that hell.  I never thought I would say that I love being sober.  But I love being sober.  This is my path.   Plus, my good friend Deb B. said that she would give me her  five-year medallion once I get there.  So I have decided to make it to five years.  Then I will reassess the situation.

For those of you who are worried about that last paragraph, I can only commit to one day at a time.  So we don't have to worry about my relapse tomorrow or in 5 years.  I might decide to keep on trucking.  Today, however, I will remain sober.  And this is the day that counts.

I am on my way out of town, without my husband or my kids, for three nights.  I am going back to the retreat where I learned to laugh sober.   That experience taught me that I am funny sober, and also that other people are funny.  I get to hang with my friends and meet some new ones.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

So of course, due to the anonymity of my 12 step program, I can't call out who I am thankful to for helping me get through this past two years.  But  you know who you are.  You are my girls, and my friends.  And no matter how crazy my mind gets, you bring me back down, or you accompany me to crazy-town.  I truly love you all.  And Beth, thank you for this blog.  I fricken love it.

Peace.

6 comments:

  1. This totally IS the day that counts. Tomorrow will be too.

    Have a wonderful weekend!
    Tanya

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  2. Betsey, I applaud what you are doing and also admitting that it is a one-day-at-a-time deal. I'm not a meth addict, I'm just...freaking depressed. And I'm on meds, but I realize that the meds don't solve all my problems and that there are still days where I will wake up and feel like complete and total SHIT. Like today. The key is realizing that today is not the final day - unless I make it so - and to not think that I am always going to feel this way. I call it riding the wave, and from what I can see you've become a damn good surfer. You give me hope. Our battles may not be exactly the same but the shit we have to deal with and work our way out of, and trying not to have serious relapses, and make life around us work while still working on ourselves...there's a lot in common there. Congratulations on making it this far. You have SO MUCH to be proud of. Really.

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    1. I'm glad you can realize that you will not always feel this way. Keep surfing girl!!

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  3. Your courage and fortitude, and awesome attitude are inspiring! I hope others get the same from your writing. Good luck and godspeed!

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  4. Congrats. Enjoy every day. Remember the joy. And never forget to laugh.

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  5. I can understand where you are coming from because I have been there. That crash is an awful thing that makes you either want to quit or keep going back for more. The choice to be sober has made such a difference in my family's and my life. We have to remember that every sober day counts! Whether it's one day or one thousand! We have to make the choice to keep counting every day as a blessing. Congratulations on your sobriety! You are wonderful!

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