Monday, September 17, 2012

I am a liar y'all.

If you have known me prior to August 23, 2010 chances are, I have lied to you.  Well, to be honest, and let's all not pretend, if you have known me since, there is a pretty good chance I have lied to you too.  But the lies would be different now, and thank goodness for that.

The bold-face lies that I told to keep up the appearance that we were okay and not using drugs, or were taking good care of our kids were huge.  Like the reason my skin was so full of scabs was because I spilled bacon grease all over myself.  Or I had a rash. Which, recently, right after I told the world that I was a druggie, I really DID have a rash, no lie!  I was terrified people were going to think I was back on the sauce.  But people believe me.  Even when I'm lying.  I must be really good at it.

I would lie about why I was losing so much weight.  Told people I was exercising, cut out pop, carbs, or just watching what I ate.  My metabolism will probably never be good again.

I would lie as to why we couldn't come to anyones event because we were "sick" or had other "plans."  The only plans I had was to smoke meth locked away in the room with Bob, and do what we would do.  Which was listen for the neighbors (Bob thought every night they were listening to us), pick my skin, watch TV and make out.  It was a sick existence.

I would lie as to why my kids' friends couldn't' come over.  Mostly because our house was so trashed.  Oh, and because I didn't want to have my time inturuppted.  I needed my kids to go to sleep at night so I could stay up and do what the above paragraph explained.

I would lie about why we were so broke.  Make up stories about bills, or make up stories about sudden expenses.  Most of those weren't lies, but why we were in that situation, was a lie.

I lied to people I met, to people I knew before, to people I didn't want to know.  I lied to everyone.  Everyday and all of the time.  I lied about my education, I lied about my jobs, my business, my everything you could imagine.  I embezzled money from my father, from my business, and really, from my own kids because I spent money that belonged to the family.  Sometimes I just lied make myself feel better.

I even lied when I got sober.  At first, I told my dad it was only alcohol.  Then I slowly let the cocaine story come out.  And as you all know, the meth story came out, in full, when I was on the radio and TV.  Right around the time I started this blog, June 12, 2012.  That is when the honesty of my using history came real for everyone.  And as I have mentioned before, I have had mostly support, but a few mixed reviews.

I was under the assumption that one addiction made you a worse person than another addiction.  Glad I grew out of that belief.  Addiction is all the same man.  Don't let it fool you.

I lied at first that Bob was the only meth addict.  I was trying so desperately to get him sober, because I wanted to fix him, so I could stay married to him.  I wasn't taking care of myself and it wasn't working for my sobriety.

My sister and my dad were mildly bugged about my lying.  They said, "but you told me it was only once."  Or, "I asked you if you were on Meth, and you said no."  My lies stung them a little.  But when I pointed out that drug addicts lie, and that I am a drug addict, they understood.  I don't know many people stuck in their active addiction, who don't lie all of the time.  If not to everyone around them, than to themselves.  It is in the handbook that they pass out when we sign up to be drug addicts.  It says, "you must lie to EVERY LIVING THING."

I thought it would be great to write in this post, and add the most recent lie I told...honestly.  And I can't remember it.  I am not saying that I don't still lie.  I think I lie to my kids all of the time like, "No, we can't do that because we won't have time," when I know it is just something I don't want to do and I don't want them to freak out.  Stuff like that.   I might lie about why I break plans with you, or why the cookies are all gone.  I might lie about that stuff.  But I don't remember doing that in a very long time. That is pretty powerful to me.  Because lying comes easily and naturally to me.

The difference is, my lies now come out of convenience for daily stuff.  My lies before were to protect my big bad secrets.  If I look closely, I still have secrets.  But the ones I still have are buried so deep, I can deal with them later...right?  When I am ready.

I still struggle with gossip and talking smack about people.  That feels like lying.  The allure to do this in the moment is still there, but I am more aware of it than ever.  It doesn't feel good.  And I try to not do it anymore.  Go ahead and laugh, girlfriends of mine.  I am working at it ladies.  I am.  

Here it is again.  Another gift of recovery.  I can be honest and not worry.  If I don't want to do something with you, I just say that I don't feel like it.  And if you have a problem with it, then that is not my stuff.  I own it.  Feels good.  There is nothing going on in my life that I have to hide, cover-up or try  to pretend isn't happening.  I don't have to lie about anything.  I probably still will, but I don't have to!!  I am trying to live honestly, without hiding.  It is so much easier this way.




I just wanted to share this, because I was going through my pictures.  Back in May, I went to The Great Moon Buffet with my group of super-star sober women.  It is like Old Country Buffet of Asian food.  Not really my favorite, but it is more about the company.  Anyway, I was handed a fortune cookie that had this fortune in it.  A month later, I started blogging.  Not something I really thought was going to happen.  I am not saying that this blog makes me "accomplished" for god's sake, because I understand how rinky-dink this is.  But I write now all of the time.  Weird right??  I thought so.




6 comments:

  1. As usual, thanks for sharing. Thanks for your honesty.

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  2. You are an accomplished writer! I believe all of us bloggers are writers in some fashion. We are sharing our stories, beliefs, advice, anything out there to the giant web world. Accomplished because you're being recognized for your voice. Betsey, you have a gift sweet girl that you're sharing from your experiences. People are learning from you. I am so proud of your growth that you shared with us today. And you know what, all of us lie a little bit. I did the other day to my boyfriend when he asked if i was wearing a new dress. I just said its been tucked in my closet and he hadnt seen it before. It was new. :)

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  3. What defines "rinky dink"? You are powerfully honest here and you are effecting the people who read your blog in a positive way. You are VERY accomplished.

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  4. I am SO glad I stumbled upon your blog. Before I got sober, I remember lying about everything. It could be about something major or something as minor as the weather. It took time to learn that the truth was good enough. The truth might not be as exciting as a lie, but that was ok. Thanks for sharing. :-)

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  5. I love your blog & never in a million years would I consider it "rinky dink", what you are doing is HUGE! It may seem small, because you are sharing YOU, nothing that seems fantastic or million dollar signing worthy, but it is HUGE I assure you :) Keep on keepin on, I look forward to this every day :)

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