I wrote this post on Labor Day, the night before the kids went back to school. I was a weepy, freaking mess. Seriously, not really what I was expecting. So enjoy...
Tomorrow is the first day of school. Not that I'm sad that my kids will be at school, because I LOVE when the yellow bus comes. This has been a long, hot, broke, summer. Too hot to play outside, they are sick of swimming, and everything indoors costs money. So no one feels more ready for them to go back to school than me. For real.
But suddenly I am thinking about when my oldest girl went to middle school. I sent her off to that school, still a kid. Still (amidst all of my using,) liking me. But she came back a teenager. And not a little girl anymore. A teenager who mostly wants me away from her and thinks I am a nerdy idiot. And as I sit here thinking about the next little boy I'm sending off to learn how to be a teenager, and learn that his parents are idiots and nothing we say holds any importance in his current brain, I feel weirdly sad. It is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I've been waiting for this day, and now I'm sad? Apparently, I'm never happy, man.
And my youngest (twins) are going into the fourth grade. There is only two more years until they leave to learn that I suck. How does this happen?
I obviously am thinking way too far into the future (stay in the moment, man.) But I get super sad about the past, when I think about how fast this is going. To put it simply, I missed a lot of it. I missed a lot of my kids beauty, their growing and the amazing stuff they did. I was here, but I wasn't here. And I wasn't here for them. And that breaks my heart. I can't get that back. It is gone.
I know that I am doing the right thing now. And I still have time left with them. Somedays, it seems like it is WAY too much fucking time with them. Like when they are trying to kill each other, swearing at each other, or nagging me to fix them the 100th snack of the day. Those days I feel like this parenting thing will NEVER end. But if I see how grown they are, and how much I really did miss because I was too sick to pay attention correctly, well, I start to feel shitty.
So, I'll get them on the bus tomorrow, try not to let their friends see me cry (omg what has happened to me) and remember how kick-ass it is to have the day to myself. Little twerps.
Oh, and if my son decides that he is too cool for me, I'll just show up at his school and skip down the hall next to him. That should cure it.
Have a great weekend!
Below is a repeat picture, but it's one of my favorites.