Friday, September 14, 2012

Today, I'm going to bitch a lot.

I know, weird right?  Those who know me personally, know that I am always happy and under control.  HA HA.  What if that was true?  I am never one to complain (lie).  I'm telling you that some days it gets dark up in my head.  Today is one of them. I need to really work on some acceptance, or get the hell out.

Oh, I'll preach it people, but I don't always walk it. Here is a fine example of me, not getting what I want, and making everyone around me, INCLUDING myself miserable.

As my life becomes increasingly more busy, because I have the privilege of attending college to become a Liscensed Drug and Alcohol Counselor, the rest of my family stays the same.  And by that I mean, they don't step up to pick up the slack.

I have done a poor job of teaching my kids how to do chores, how to help out, and have any responsibility or self respect of their surroundings.  By poor job, I mean I have done nothing.  My children do nothing around this house.  And Bob does't care about this. And I spend a lot of time being super SUPER pissed off about it.   Sometimes, well...a lot of the time, I feel sorry for myself because of this issue that I can't seem to change.  Serenity prayer?  Personal assistant?  One is free, the other is not.  Damn it.

As I sit here and type, my school books are sitting next to me, unread.  My kitchen looks like shit.  There are still holes in every wall, chipped paint, unfinished trim, stains in the carpet, scratches on the wood floors, dust on the furniture, dirty windows, cluttered deck, not super clean bathroom, uncleaned tortious cage, markers, puzzles, paper, books, blankets, SHIT EVERYWHERE!!!!!  There is no food in the fridge, the grass (weeds) in the yard need to be cut, broken swing set, broken trampoline, fire pit FILLED with branches that would start a forest fire if we lit it.  And so many more trees need to be cut.  The garage needs to be cleaned, the furnace/laundry room need to be cleaned, under the stairs needs to be cleaned. EVERY SINGLE THING in my house is a trashy mess.  And I am the ONLY one who lives here, that has a problem with it.  It is very stressful for me, because NOTHING is ever perfect.  Or even presentable.  It is horrific when people drop by. I always make sure no one does. I am never proud of where I live.  I hate that. And no one who lives here cares.  So guess who has the problem? Me.

Somedays, it gets to be so much that I can't breathe and I want to RUN.  But instead, I bitch.  I bitch and bitch, and then I bitch, and then I bitch some more.  (A nice young boy used to sing that song to me in high school, so I am not really new to a good bitching.)

And I am sorry to offend, but "bitching" is the action word that best describes what I do when I don't get what I want, or I lose control.

Now, we all know that my favorite thing in the world would be to get some speedy drugs and get all of this shit done.  We also all know that I would probably get a weeks worth of work done, and then I would lock my door and start picking my skin, getting nothing done.  So, that idea is out.  Damn addiction has to be everywhere, messing up everything.

It is not likely that my husband or children are going to help me with any of this.  Or I should say, help me do it all exactly how I want it done.  Bob does the dishes and sometimes drives the kids places.  He does help out with some of their homework.  But, (sorry Bob) his help ends there.  He doesn't do anything else.  He can't.  He doesn't like to fix stuff, do yard work, he doesn't see dirt, fold and put away laundry (well, he did one basket Sunday.)  He doesn't make decisions for the kids. Nor can he (remember the hatchet?)

I'll make clear that Bob's mental illness prevents him from doing anything. It's not the real him.

I have asked for help with this stuff from our family. Just get Bob on his feet. He always helps them with their stuff, no problem. And we did manage to paint two rooms this summer. If I organize him, he can do it. I just don't have the energy to organize, nag, and beg them to do stuff around OUR house.

Bob really just gives me a blank stare when I ask him to do anything.  It is his mental health that keeps him mostly in bed and unable to organize his thoughts to do much more than he is doing.  And all the VA does is throw meds at him. So here I am.

The hardest part for me is that he is home all of the time.  He will just sit in the destruction, and doesn't (can't) care.  So I'll be gone most of the day, and come home to the dishes clean, but nothing else.  And everything needs to be fixed and cleaned around here.  It is hard to accept.  But I have no choice.

With the kids, I have tried chore charts, withholding money, stuff, threats, chasing, swearing, everything.  But there is no parental team work.  He can't be on my page, and there is no back-up. In fact, he (we) give in when they refuse.  I can't always be the bad guy, because I don't have the energy.  It is really like I am a single mom.  And I suck at single parenthood.  I think being a single mom is the HARDEST job on earth.  I never wanted to do this alone.  But when your spouse is sick, you do it alone.  And that is where I am at.

Yeah, I am bitching about Bob a lot here. He knows.   But I am here to be honest about my life. And this part is honestly so hard. It is hard to be married to a man who doesn't participate in life the way I want it to be. It is hard to watch someone you love, do nothing and not be capable to want more from life. His recovery is so SLOW.  It is hard to accept that this is the best it will be. I just feel like he would feel better if everything was fixed up around here. But maybe it's only ME who would feel better. I don't know.  

Somedays, I get SUPER fucking angry about my situation. And guess what?  Today is one of those days.  My pity party sucks.  I'm going to try and end it early.  I guess I'll start with some gratitude about what I do have.  At least I HAVE a house that is trashed.  Wow...that totally isn't working right now.  

If I was my own sponsor, I would fire myself. Because I get stuck so often with this issue.   But first I would tell myself to remember to get rid of my expectations.  I sometimes feel that my expectations are reasonable.  It is reasonable to expect my spouse to help discipline our kids. Or for our kids to wipe off the counter if they spill something.  But it isn't going to happen unless I have it in me to help train/change the situation.  And for the moment, I don't.  I can hardly keep myself together.

Acceptance is what I need to work on.  Somedays I ask, why do I have to accept everything that he wants or needs, but not get my own needs met?  Because I am supposed to get rid of the belief that having my house perfect, that I am supposed to be helped.  And that those things will make me happy.  My need to have these things is what I need to work on.  But I really don't want to let it go. But if I am going to be happy, I am not going to be right.

Sometimes I just want to run away and let these people figure it out themselves.

These are the cards I was dealt, reshuffled, and still have. My house is gross, and I hate it.  I am not the kind of woman to wake up at 5:00 AM or stay up until midnight to fix it. Not with all of the other bodies here, doing nothing.  That shit drives me crazy.  So I will try to take it one day at a time.  One thing at a time.  There will come a day when EVERYTHING will be perfect, EVERYTHING will be fixed and in order. It will happen when I am old and living alone.  It will happen. Oh, it will happen.

In case you were wondering, this below is my counter.   I posted this on Facebook yesterday.  We decided he removed his cup, grabbed a cookie and took off running. .  Little boys can be gross!


  1. I'm sorry, Betsey. I don't know what else to say. You are only one person and you can only do so much. I like to clean up "corners" or "small areas" in my house and just live in them. When I focus on the big picture too much, I get overwhelmed. I hope you can find some peace in this regard. xo

    1. Thank you. I can reframe what I want and what I need.

      For the record, without reading this post, Bob just brought me a cup of coffee that he made AND got my son dressed for school. Now I feel like a dick!!

      But it is true. And it is all how I react. That is what I have control over. Thanks for being so nice!!!

  2. All you can do is all you can do. Its not the results that are important as much as the way to achieve them. You well know by now that your kids and husband are beyond your control, yet you worry so much over their behaivor. Try being a little easier on yourself for the actions of others and just focus on your own. We all have a reference in time that drives us, I saw that in your visit of your daughters school night, so just remember that your kids will have today to be the basis of what hey will feel in the future. make your role be a bright light and not Sister Mary Stigmata (the Nun; aka the Penguin, from the movie Blues Brothers.)

    Your doing fine, relax, hug your kids, its all right.

  3. I have this same issue with my husband, who also has some depression issues. We ended up in therapy and our therapist suggested a dry erase board where I could list things that I wanted done, and every day he was home he had to pick two things off the board and get them completely done, then erase them. That way he knows what I'm expecting and things get done. I agree that there has to be some acceptance of "less than perfect" on your part (I'm also a frustrated perfectionist) but you also have to convey your needs and make sure at least some of them are met for your own sanity. Stay strong and take care of your self.

  4. Wow. There are a lot of similarities between you and me. A LOT. I stumbled upon your blog and am SO glad I did.

    1. I LOVE the title of your blog!! It is so great! Glad you found this too! See you around.

  5. My husband doesn't share an equal burden of what I like to call, "The administration of life." In other words, he does not clean, do laundry, parent as much as I do, grocery shop or otherwise in anyway think about being a good roommate. And we both work. So we have exactly the same amount of free time. Except I use at least a part of mine to take care of all of us and he does not. We've gone round and round about this for years. It is not right, but I've accepted that he is just a selfish asshole and will not do this shit. That said, he's a lot of fun and I love him. I have accepted my fate. I don't want to get divorced even though he is a slob. Sigh. I do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. When things get out of control and I want it clean, I tell him to take the kid and get out of the house for the whole day so I can address it. If I don't want to do it by myself and I have the mental strength to do so, I bitch at him until he helps, but then I have to be very specific like the woman a few comments up because lets face are dumbasses. Whereas you or I would see laundry on the ground and say, "Oh my gosh, those clothes are dirty. I should wash them." My husband would look at them blankly and think, "Hmmm...Why hasn't Becky washed that? Her turn around time is usually much faster..." When the chips are down and I feel they (my husband and son) have been abusing the housekeeping fairy for too long, I hit him where it hurts...I remove all cash from his wallet and exit the building. Not everyone can do this, I realize. And for many years it was not even an option for me. But now that we are on our feet, I spend every dime he has without remorse. lol. I am such a witch today. I saw all of this and I am come from one hell of a genetic crazy train. Keep at them lady. We must fight the good fight.