Monday, September 3, 2012

What makes the downs go up.

Last week sucked. I was anxious about my son's leg being injured, anxious about the lack of money we have this month and affording school supplies, clothes AND food. Anxious that my own classes began. Anxious that my my house is disgusting and I really struggle with energy, give-a-shit OR the help that I should have trained my family to give.

Also, Bob isn't doing so well. He is in a dark place and I don't know what to really do to help him. His doctors aren't much help and I get so worried. Then I get pissed. Mental health issues suck. Plain and simple. I will make sure he is safe, but it is a lot some days to not get into my own head and feel sorry for myself that I can't fix him or that he can't seem to fix him either. His recovery is at a snail pace. And I forget to remember that even a snail pace, is still a pace.

It is just the loss of control I feel that makes me feel so out of control (fucking brilliant right? Duh.) And going from lazy summer, to high speed life is a hard transition. Any one if those above mentioned issues would be enough to cause me anxiety. But all of them together is crazy. And I'm off meds! Why was that a good idea?

But then, this past week, some amazing stuff happened. First, I got a call from a friend telling me she was in treatment. I get very excited when people are in treatment. It's never "oh no, what happened?" It is always, "YES!! That's great news!" I think my screaming with joy surprised her a little. Last night I got to visit her. We went to Target and it was awesome. What a great experience.  I am always overjoyed when people give themselves the chance for recovery.  And when it is a friend that I already love,  it is just that much more beautiful.

Also, a local women contacted me through my Facebook page and disclosed that she found my blog and wanted to talk about her drinking. I had the incredible honor of sharing one of my favorite meetings with her and she had the courage to not only show up, but to join us for a little lunch after. That is a very badass move and I am filled with gratitude to have been able to connect with her. So beautiful!

At this meeting that my new friend was so brave to attend, we had a guest speaker who is a famous celebrity. That never happens. Not in my Midwestern town anyhow. She was a person who was humble and grateful to be with us. It was awesome. I appreciated her sharing her experience, strength and hope with us.  She had a great story of recovery.  I believe my new friend connected and related with her.  It was such a great moment.   If you are reading this, know that there usually aren't famous people at our meetings. But if there are, as the speaker so easily put it, we are all the same with a common disease and a common way to recover.  All of us.

I also connected with some folks who are struggling with this disease of addiction and had some great conversations.   We helped each other for sure.

The days where I get to connect with other people in recovery, are the days that I feel the least stressed out. Getting out of my daily shit and just talking to people makes all of the difference.  And having three different people reach out to me, and my being able to be there for them, really helped me lose my own anxiety.  What great medicine that is.  I am not saying that I solved anyone's problems, or that I'm so great that people seek out my help. But that anyone would see me as having something they want, is again, not something I've ever thought would happen. The fellowship of all of us recovering, is the medicine that gives me relief from my disease. Again, grateful beyond words.

This is just a random picture of my dogs.  And they always make me feel better.  


  1. "But that anyone would see me as having something they want, is again, not something I've ever thought would happen."
    Try to remember that, even when this doesn't happen in person, it is happening every day on this blog. You have no idea how much reading this is helping people. Especially me. We have so much in common, but I'm not quite brave enough to put it all out there like you do. So many things that go on in your life, are exactly what is going on in mine. And being able to read about how you handle it does a lot for me. Love you....keep it up!!