Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Drag him kicking and screaming, or just drive him when he is ready.

I am beginning to think that I am repeating stories.  And I seriously get so bored with myself, that I can't even go back and read what I've written to see if I am repeating.  I think so far, I've been okay.  But if I say stuff a few times, I am sorry.  Eventually, maybe I'll run out of things to say all together.

Here is my second favorite topic, besides myself, Bob.  And for the record, he reads these and approves them, when he is the topic. I would never talk about him here in a way that meant to put him down. I just want to share honestly, and this stuff is the truth, as I see it.

I mentioned that I went to two meetings on Saturday.  I might have made it seem like it was because I needed them.  Well, I always need them.  But I did the second meeting with Bob.  Not something that happens EVER, and not something that I push.

Reasons for that are, I can't drag him to meetings, and lord knows I have tried.  I don't like to bring him to MY meetings because those are MY people.  Selfish?  Yes.  And finally, he needs to figure this out without me, the control freak.

I used to try and demand that he go to meetings. Remember how we were going to be the best recovering couple of the world?  I think I forced him to go for a good six months in 2008. Like threatened him to either embrace it, or get the fuck out.

Surprise, surprise! That didn't work.  Since then, he has hardly gone.  His reasons are many.  I won't go into them, but if he were my sponsee, I would think he was looking for a reason to NOT get better and still use.  Not that meetings are the ONLY way to recovery, but that is what works for me. And I just feel like the connections made there would really help him.

I am addressing his addiction here today, not his PTSD.  Because he gets therapy for his PTSD, he doesn't do much to recover from his addiction.  Scary huh?  It has been hard not to try and control the shit out of that this time around.  This is me, staying in my own stuff, just wishing he would try it.

The last few weeks, Bob has had a hell of a time in life.  Just anxious, depressed, paralyzed in this house.  He rocks back and forth, you can see the anxiety.  It is like he has electricity burning through him all of the time.  He can't relax, but he can't move.  Every time he sees his psychiatrist, they just add more medicine.  He isn't on anything like benzodiazepines or anything addictive like that, but the meds he is on make him tired and emotionless. And he can't sleep through the night.

I know. This is really, REALLY downer shit. It IS sad. We live with this sad, all of us.

So after his doctor's appointment last week, with his raised medication prescriptions in hand, we had a good chat.  I asked him (again) if it possible to try looking at the addiction side of his illness and treat that with meetings?

You see, it is frustrating to me that no one is addressing his recovery from addiction.  Or the  lack of care he is putting into his recovery.  This is the ONE thing he hasn't tried.  He sees his therapist once a week, but there are no group therapies available to him through the VA.  All they do is medicate.  Over-medicate an addict.

They can't make him go to meetings anymore than I can.  But they could try and at least talk about his addiction.  Talk about recovery from addiction. Get him connected with other people.  Address the obvious fucking elephant in the room.

Is this codependent of me?  Yes.  But I am his caretaker.  The one who makes sure he does what he is supposed to do, because he can't do it for himself.  So I am in a tricky situation.  I can get too wrapped up, but his PTSD, anxiety and depression make it so he needs more help than an average drug addict.

We discussed that since there are no group therapies, and that his isolation is making him anxious, why not take advantage of the hundreds of 12-step meetings around our city that go on each week for FREE?  Even if he doesn't want to buy what they are selling, (in my opinion, freedom.)  He agreed, but needed me to go with him.  I was more than happy to do so.

I am not suggesting that meeting will solve Bob's issues. I am just saying that it might be an important piece of his recovery, that has been left untreated. And at this point, why not try it?

It wasn't easy for him, but he did it. I hope he goes again. He did wake up Sunday a little happier.  I will go with him until he feels comfortable going alone, if he asks me to.  I think he will be able to do that sooner than later.

I am not certain he liked it. I am pretty sure he didn't. But like "they" say, you keep going until you don't HAVE to go, you keep going until you WANT to go.

If he found what I did, man would that be great.  If he finds something different, great.  But I still have hope for him.  He is at least willing.  I can't ask for more than that.


  1. Thats great that Bob went to the meeting. I do hope that he continues for his sake, your sake, and your families. Those boys need to see some energy in their Dad. I'm keeping my fingers crossed with you.

  2. You keep doing what your doing - support and love and make sure you don't give up hope for him. I am pulling for you guys to get through all of this.