Friday, October 19, 2012

Mean girls suck.

Ah, to be a fourteen year old girl again.  I would't trade my anything to go back there.

Except maybe to switch places with my girl so she didn't have to go through it.  It is so fucking painful to watch them go through the hard stuff.  Like I was speaking of on my birthday that no one tells you that, just as much as you love your kids, you hurt for them.  And there is no amount of Al-anon that can help you when it is your child who is struggling at school.  It is so fucking painful.

This week I did something I never thought I would do.  I pulled my daughter out of high school and told her she would never have to go back.  I have never felt more relieved about anything in my life.   But I just knew that I had to do something.

My beautiful daughter used to have many friends.  These friends were the girls in school who pretty much ran the show.  They talk about each other behind each others back, diversity is a BAD thing, and you better not be caught dead wearing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, or being yourself.  Personally, I am glad that shit is over.

My daughter is outgoing, beautiful, super funny, and got in with the crowd.  Despite her loud mouthed, recovering drug addicted (and maybe a little crazy) mom and PTSD veteran father, she made friends.   It is amazing how some fourteen year old girls lack compassion and empathy. In fact, they will take anything that is different about you, and turn it against you.

Her dyslexia has gotten her very behind in school, and she is in special education.  But I can assure you that she is the wittiest, smartest cookie on the block. And despite those things, she rose above socially.  She just doesn't read or compute numbers the way that the schools are set up to teach her. So she has struggled.  I have tried everything to get her comfortable there at school, and it hasn't worked.  So we are going with different plan.

Even with this struggle, her behaviors (although not always perfect) have been fine.

There are a few situations where her behavior wasnt perfect. She started a food fight in seventh grade and was suspended.  I was pretty pissed about that.  Only because it was the last weeks of school and I was more worried about my free days being numbered, and she was stepping in on my freedom.

In sixth grade, a little boy said something so nasty and sexually harassing to her, he ended up on the floor as she kicked him.  She was also suspended.  I took her out for ice cream.  Don't talk like that to women, little dude.

The biggest heartbreak has been her best friend, all through out grade and mostly middle school, has decided that my daughter gets on her nerves.  That she is too hyper.  That my daughter is too annoying.  So one day, out of nowhere, last spring, she told my daughter that they were not friends anymore, and that was that.  My poor baby was so hurt by this, because it was out of the blue. And as much as she tried to fix it, the more she pushed her away.

She is a loyal friend, like me.  She holds on to friendships like I do.  She was crushed.  The girl hasn't tried to talk to my girl since.  In fact, she has told everyone that my daughter is a stalker and obsessed with her.  One by one, the other girls followed.  It was like losing a family member. And then everyone.

The more she tried to figure out what happened, the more they pulled away.

These girls tweet about her eczema on her skin, they tweet about her learning disabilities.  And when they found out she was leaving school for good, they tweeted this.

Mean girl, you have been misinformed.

They have parties and don't invite her.  She was dumped three days before homecoming (AFTER we bought the dress and everything.) because the boy had to go duck hunting, and forgot.  It has been really painful to watch.

My girl has always stuck up for the underdog.  There was a time this year when another girl was being bullied, my daughter ate her lunch in the bathroom with her, so she wouldn't have to be alone.  She was going to switch schools with another girl because the other girl wasn't doing well at that school.  Um...I think I see codependency living here!!

Now both of those girls are the meanest to my daughter.  It is crazy, like out of a movie, and we are so done.  My girl may be a little codependent, like her mom.  But there are plenty of good people in the world who will be good friends.  These aren't her people.  So we are OUT!

I know some of you (mostly those related to me) that will be worried that I can't do this.  Remember, I am sober now.  And I can do this.  We found a hybrid internet/homeschool/campus school for her to attend.  My niece graduated from there last year.  I will get her enrolled next week.

All I can say is that this hurts.  But it would hurt worse if I was on meth.  I am so grateful to be sober during the hard times.  How the hell could I handle this if I was worried about getting high?  I can be here to help my family and even though it is hard, I am being the parent I am supposed to be.  

But for the mean time, the two of us are GOING TO CALIFORNIA to do that Ricki Lake show.  It is perfect timing for her and the rest of the girls in this small town place can suck it.  We are OUT!!!


  1. Good for you, Betsey! My heart aches for both of you, but this time will pass and your beautiful girl will grow up strong and happy knowing her family has her back. Do not let anyone tell you this was the wrong thing to do! Sending you lots of love!

    1. Thanks Lorrie. I know it is the right thing to do. Even if it weren't for the friend drama, she needs more one on one with her learning. She will get this now.

  2. Heartbreaking. Glad you were able to make this brave decision. I take it the school and district were unhelpful? That sucks as much as anything. Big hugs all around.

    1. To be fair to the school, I didn't really give them a chance. Sometimes the kids feel like telling will make it worse. Since we have other options, I just took them. I will be keeping a close eye on this social media thing with her. Then I will report.

  3. We didn't have cellphones, fb, twitter...erc. in high school. When shit went bad at school at least we could get a break at home. I was in with the "chearleader" crowd in Middle school. They were to pretty mean girls. I felt pretty special because I had moved into Maplewood JR. hi. mid year. Boy was I happy to not eat lunch alone with my book. Then, in the fall of Freshman year, I didn't make the chearleading squad. I didn't really want to but my mom was a chearleader, all the pretty mean grils were trying I figured it was the right thing to do. They all made it. I didn't it. At first I thought- why should that matter? we are firends! Friends don't let something silly like who's on the field chearing and who is in the stands chearing change the friendship. Well, pretty quickly it was apparent that I was no longer welcome - backs turned when I showed up, "we are talking about chearing .." "If you were a chearleader you could come along..." Fuck'em. I sought out real friends and ignored the bitches. I can;t imagine how things would have escalated with all the social media. Now my two best freinds have been there since I was 15. It will be good for Millie to hit het reset button. Those were the wrong girls to begin with. I'm glad she didn't get sucked into that nasty lifestyle for life! She gets to keep and grow her compassion, caring, acceptance of differences and flexibility while the other girls will just grow hardened in their spite and hate. She made an escape!

    1. I've known you forever and had no idea of that story!! Yes, and they allow the phones in school. So you will be sitting at your desk, and the girl behind you will be tweeting about your clothes, your speech, your skin, whatever. It is a horrible place to be. I feel so lucky I missed that part. I am glad to have Millie around, we are going to have a great time.

  4. Hooray Betsey!! I seriously got chills after reading this. Your daughter is beautiful and so frickin lucky to have you. I know she will appreciate what your doing and that she has your support is so comforting. Mean girls suck and that pisses me off that they treat her that way. I'm so sorry that she had to go through that.
    Oh, and be careful on your way to Cali! You may not want to come back. I love California so much it hurts but i have reasons to stay in Texas.

  5. The best news is this. Bob is excited to help her through internet school. This could wake him up and give him the purpose he needs. This is going to BEAUTIFUL!!!

  6. Way to go mom! You did the right thing; she'll get the schooling she needs, time with family that every child needs, and true friends will turn up (my boys are learning that!). Good luck in California, I hope that goes well.

  7. Social media has ruined humanity. Bullying sucks and I'm so glad that you are protecting your daughter. I remember a book that came out a couple of years ago (wish I could remember the title) but the gist of it was that adult women still carry scars from their high school days. They could remember every little detail of being hurt by a "friend". Even women with big important jobs. It doesn't matter, we all remember the pain. I have a son who is in 9th grade and I'm well aware of how girls can be. My son is the new kid since he attended a small Catholic school til now so all the girls are very flirty. And you know, everyone doesn't learn the same way so this actually sounds like a blessing!

  8. I am so glad the Internet was in its infancy and not a regular part of school life when I was in middle/high school. Same with cell phones. Those didn't really become a regular thing for most people until well after my teen years. Thank God.

    I say good for you for pulling her out of that environment and letting her grow and learn in a place that will be more accepting of her needs, both academically and emotionally! Keep up the good work Mamma Bear!

  9. You know, I left school at the end of my junior year because of how bitchy my so called "best friends" were. I ended up going to college a year early, and graduating before everyone else. Oh - and the guy that my "best friend" stole? When they broke up he came running back to me and I got to dump him four months later because he hadn't grown up at all since high school.

    I wouldn't go back for the life of me, but I think the thing your daughter should be told over and over again is that high school, and the bitchiness of the people there, is only 4 years of your life. And it's only the most important in the fact that you learn how to deal with these mean girls, and recognize who they are so you never have to deal with them again. :)

  10. None of these bitches will even be relevant after high school. And the ones who think they are, are the #pathetic ones!

    Your daughter is beautiful. Mean girls are only deflecting attention away from their own flaws. And when high school is over, and your daughter moves on- stronger because of them- they'll still be garbage.

  11. I have been reading through your archives, in order, over the past several weeks. Every post is great, this blog is wonderful, but this is the first time I have stopped to leave a comment.

    I think it is amazing that you did this for your daughter. Absolutely amazing and incredible and wonderful. I am a teacher and I am appalled and deeply saddened that this kind of thing continues to be ignored or mishandled in schools by teachers and administrators. Your daughter is so brave and someday, when she is a successful adult, she will be the most incredible support to any teenage girl who is being bullied. She will be able to tell them that they will rise above it someday.

    Those fucking bitches. :-(