Monday, November 5, 2012

First fall

After I went to Hazelden, December 27, 2007, I stayed sober for about a year.  It wasn't great recovery, as I was so wrapped up in Bob's stuff, that I couldn't really work the program.  But I was able to at least de-fog my head and see some beauty around me that had been missing for so many years.

In October of 2008, I went to a friend's cabin in Hayward, WI.  I drove up there with my friend, Candi.  I was so blown away by the beauty of the trees, that I almost crashed the car on many occasions.  I kept screaming, "WOW, look at THAT ONE!" or, "Holy SHIT look over THERE!"

I kept asking her, "is it always like this?"  She was like, "What the hell's the matter with you, haven't you ever seen changing leaves?" We were laughing a lot about my freak outs.

Well, I had seen them, but I had forgotten how beautiful they were.  When your whole life revolves around getting drugs, using drugs, crashing from drugs and hiding drugs, you miss some shit.  You basically miss everything.

And now that I've been sober for two years, two months and some change, I still see and am amazed by the beauty of this place.  Sometimes, because I don't want to look like a crazy person, I have to tone it down a bit.  I can't always stop in the middle of what I'm doing and scream, "WOW dude, do you see THAT?" to a perfect stranger when something moves me.

Like when I was on that train.  I was probably pretty obnoxious.  But I have never seen anything like what I saw.  The ride from Los Angeles to Portland was seriously CRAZY beautiful.  I was so excited to see all of it.

So I often wonder if stuff really IS that beautiful?  Or am I just still so newly out of the coma of drugs, that everything is still new and incredible?  Probably both.  And I don't care.  It is all good.  And I am the type of person who gets REALLY excited about the little things.

If you are reading this, still using drugs or booze and are thinking, "what a dork." Or, "whatever man." WAIT.  I swear to god, this is real and serious.  I cannot tell  you how great it is to see out of these eyes.  The world is beautiful.  And when you stop to smell the roses, with a clean and sober set of eyes, I promise you that it is just as exciting as when getting high was fun.  For those of you that are in a drug coma, remember when getting high was fun and not a horrible job?  Yeah, this is way better than that.

So, I hope these fresh, sober eyes never wear down or become used to how beautiful the changing seasons are.  It is kind of a bummer that the clocks turned back this weekend.  I hate when it gets dark so early.  The leaves are gone now (except they are all over my yard, and blowing into your yard) and it gets me a little down.  But it was a pretty fall and a beautiful trip.  I am, of course, grateful.


  1. Hi there! I've been reading your blog for a while, but I haven't commented yet... but I have to say something on this one. No, it is NOT just you that does things like that. My boyfriend and family would probably say that I'm the same way at times. (Holy shit! Look at that? Are you seeing this!?) I grew up in a suburban area, but now live in the city...where I see a lot of crap (literally and figuratively) on a daily basis. It does feel really great to take a step back, no matter what walk of life you're going through, and say, "HEY! That is amazing."

    Awesome post, as usual :)

  2. Betsey, Its always refreshing to see beauty out of someones eyes and perception. I'm in love with all your pictures you took from your trip!

  3. I've taken that same train ride. It really IS an amazing view.

  4. I grew up in, and currently live in the mountains of northern california. Even after having spent 80% of my life here, the beauty of it all never fails to amaze me. I've been just itching to take my husband on a road trip up hwy 70 to Quincy and back. The train runs through the canyon up that way, and there are countless canyons and bridges and tunnels crossing back and fourth with the hwy. He's a city boy himself who grew up in New England (which is in itself a magnificent sight this time of year) yet he too is amazed at the sheer beauty of northern california. I'm praying to fall into a little extra cash so we can actually make the trip this year.

  5. Great fact, great posts overall! I really enjoy hearing your perspective. Here's my two cents: things really ARE that beautiful!

    Omar S. Manejwala, M.D.

    1. Thank you very much! I am going to get your book!

  6. i think your blog very informative, thanks for sharing.