I couldn't have imagined what 2012 was going to be like. But I'm not a fortune teller, so that makes sense.
A good friend of mine, (I can't remember WHICH friend) once told me that years are either full of questions, or full of answers. I had some years gone by that were full of serious questions and some full of answers. This year, was full of both. But at the end, I actually feel resolved.
I have struggled, as usual, like always. And I end the year with so much change, and so much to look forward to as well.
I am excited for 2013. I can't be sad about 2012. I traveled three times, was on TV four times, the newspaper twice, and the radio once. I was honest about my addiction to my family, and basically the world. I was honest about my recovery, my life with my husband, and outed my family to everyone around town and beyond. It changed my recovery and made it stronger. It wasn't always easy for us, but we are all stronger for it. And although my marriage is where it is at, it is the best place for everyone.
I started writing this blog. A friend kept telling me to write. I am glad that I had the courage to do this because it sure seemed scary at first.
And maybe it is little, and maybe it is self-indulgent, and maybe it is whatever. But it has helped me. And besides myself, I know I have helped at least ONE person, because she is now my sponsee. What is better than that? Not much.
The person I have been the most honest with this year is myself. I am the baby of the family. And although I lost my mama young, I was spoiled. I usually want everyone to solve my problems.
I have faced my limits in my marriage, as a mom, and as a person. I have examined my fears, my pride, my shit. Well, you know.
And what I have learned the most this year, is that I can trust myself and do stuff on my own. I have lived with such a chip on my shoulder. Such a "poor me" attitude. I have bitched and been angry about so many stupid things. ( I still do, but I am getting better.) For instance:
-We never had Christmas lights on my house, because Bob never wanted to do it. It never occurred to me to just do it myself. Instead, I was just irritated with him. This year I put Christmas lights up with my daughter.
It looks like this:
Yeah fucking right! Can you imagine?
It really looks like this:
-I never thought I could make it through Christmas break with the kids off of school alone and not go crazy. I have almost done that. (But it ain't over yet folks. They are driving me NUTS! That's okay though.)
-I never thought I could clean the garage alone, clean the furnace room alone (yes, I'm still talking and bragging about it.) Under the stairs, fix the vacuum, hang a picture, etc. I helped trash this house, most of the holes in the walls are from me when I was using, and so I can fix this shit. (Well...I'm getting some help with that.)
My downstairs toilet was broken, and I knew it was the chain inside. I shut the water off to it like a plumber, until I could go to Menard's and buy a new one. Then it occurred to me that I could use a paper clip. I fixed it.
Who am I? Bob Vila?
I have been living with these roles in my head here, with a dude that didn't want to (couldn't) do his part. Because he is too sick, of course. So I have been PISSED off. Feeling sorry for myself, takes a LOT of energy. I have been exhausted and paralyzed for YEARS because of it.
I have actually talked myself into the "I shouldn't have to do that" bullshit, and believed it. I'm not trying to put poor Bob down. It's not his fault. But this stuff wasn't getting done with him around, and it took having him leave to make me lose the idea that I needed him to do them.
So I have gotten off of my ass and done some of it myself. And it doesn't mean that I don't need people, because I have a lot of people offering to help me, which I need. But it means that I can NOT feel helpless. I am not a baby. I am a grown-ass woman, and it is time I start seeing myself as such. Honestly.
So come on 2013. I will graduate from college, get a job, be a grown up, and who knows what else. I can't flipping wait.
Happy New Year to all of you!! Be safe and have some fun!!