God I wish I could write something happy. But I just have to say it real. Like Fat Amy said in Pitch Perfect, "I'm just not living if I'm not 100% honest."
This is my therapy for today.
I missed two of the three meetings I try to go to this past week in the name of cleaning, separation and Christmas. So here is an example of where my thinking goes. This is NOT the time in my life for me to slack off on my program.
I'm going to honestly say that I've never wanted to drink so much since I've been sober. Not use meth. But I'm no fool, drinking always leads me to other drugs. And really, as William Cope Moyers says, a drug, is a drug, is a drug.
For some help to get through the pain and agony of this, many people would have a glass or two of wine (or 8), to take the edge off. That would be nice. People go celebrate the holidays, go to the parties that are invited to. They let loose, forget their troubles and get wasted, party, escape from their reality for awhile and just go wild.
While people are posting the fun, drinking holiday party pictures on Facebook, I'm posting before and after pictures of how I cleaned my furnace room, all by myself like a big girl.
Check it out though...right?
It would be fucking great to numb this. People who are not in recovery from addiction get to use stuff like Zanax, weed, wine, beer, bars, people.
People in recovery get to use people, 12-steps (or however they roll) and trust that things will work out with the help of a higher power (universe.) Working the steps and talking, talking, talking to the wonderful people who will always listen.
Oh and we get to live a life free of hangovers, lying, hiding, barfing, stealing, and people trust and love us again. But you know...we don't party like you so...
Drinking during stressful, painful times can be like putting ice on a sore knee. Or taking ibuprofen. I know what will dull it, but that stuff ruins my life.
I might be having another pity party. I guess I'm going to have a few of those.
We get to feel our feelings, work through them, and walk through them. And sometimes that sucks. Not to say that everyone who ISN'T in recovery doesn't do this. I'm just saying that when things get really painful, I have to (get to?) one-hundred percent feel it. I can't cover it up with a few glasses of wine, (I hate wine, so can you see what a drunk I am?)
I am a really slow learner. I don't behave the way I should. I don't have patience. I want this to feel better NOW and to go away. One day at a time seems impossible. But it isn't going to go away now. And from what I can see, it won't for awhile.
And so often I'll reach out to Bob. To stop the pain. But that never, ever works. He's too sick, and I'm too angry and sad. We can't help each other. That is the use of the wrong people that I CAN'T do. Because it seems natural to me that he'd be the one to make me feel better, since I'm allowing him to be the source of my pain. That is the wrong thing for me to do. Alanon man, I have to dig deep into Alanon.
Can you imagine if I was drinking and reaching out to Bob or anyone else? That would be a full blown catastrophe.
I am talking about drinking right now, to save my life. I am not trying to scare anyone. I am not going to drink today. I went to a meeting yesterday, and I am going to one tonight. I've been talking to people and am being honest about this. I am going to call my sponsor and a bunch of other people today. And each day I'll promise that to myself.
This is a stressful, festive, very difficult time for many alcoholics and addicts. Be aware of the ones you know and love around you. Be mindful, and be respectful. We didn't ask for this. We fight daily, and sometimes we have to fight with superhero strength. For me, this is one of those times. I can and will succeed today, with the help of others.
Thanks for listening to another Debbie Downer episode of my life. I feel better already.