Friday, December 21, 2012

Where is the middle?

All I want for Christmas is to feel in the middle. What does the middle feel like?  I am on such an emotional roller coaster.  I am so sad and so grateful.  All at once.  I know it is my choice to focus on which one.  But that is easier said than done.

I've been shown great generosity in ways that bring me WAY up. I was given a new couch. Our old one looked like this...

For real, I put blankets over it, but it was twelve years old and awful.  We really needed a new couch.  Whenever I vacuumed under the cushions (which I will never admit how often I DIDN'T do that) I was always surprised there wasn't maggots or mice.  

Some friends that I went to high school with have been reading this blog and have noticed that I've been struggling a bit.  They are the ones who dropped off that tree the other day.  Then a few days later, Jannea came over with her boyfriend and a HUGE bag of cookies, banana bread and just fucking love.  They went through my house to see the damage done, and gave me some ideas and some hope that it will be fixed.   After the holidays, there will be some changes around here, thanks to the generosity of my friends.

What this did for me was give me energy.  Like the kind of energy you have when you are nesting for a baby.  I have been a super freak.  My back is KILLING me I've been working so hard.  And I am not complaining.  It has felt GREAT!  After school ended last week, I have been doing nothing by cleaning, organizing, donating and throwing out about eight years of hell.  It has felt amazing.  I am nowhere near done, but I have gotten so far.

Then on Wednesday, Jannae's boyfriend (pretty cute too, nice work Jannae) showed up with this couch, that once belonged to my friend Jennie.  And now we have this...

I am so touched and warmed by all of it. I've been ding-dong ditched by someone who left money taped to my door to buy gifts for the kids, people offering to help me fix up my home, and as I mentioned before, a delivery of a couch that we don't have to be embarrassed about.

The bummer part...

Yesterday, I brought my daughter to visit Bob in the hospital.  He is still in the psychiatric ward at the VA.  On the way there, I very gently rolled into the back of this car.

There is no damage, as you can very well see.  But the woman inside was SO mean to me.  I said I was sorry and was only bummed that I nudged her.   I finally said, "You don't have to be so rude."

She FREAKED out.  She was like, "You are the one with daggers coming out of your eyes."

Um...maybe she needs a visit to the psychiatric ward, because I do not have daggers coming out of my eyes.  I, of course, lost my mind a little.  Screamed back at her, because I am SUPER mature like that.  I was all, "I am on the way to see my husband in the VA psych ward lady, sorry if I don't seem super happy!"  Because, why not use sympathy to get what I want?  I am totally a sixteen year old.

She didn't really give two shits about that.  Anyway, I gave her my information, and didn't get hers.  She just kept screaming at me as she got into her car, so I took that picture of her bumper.  I will wait to hear what she says.  Hopefully it will be nothing.  Whatever.

It took me ALL day and part of this morning to get over that one.  I HATE when people are mean to me.

And then there is the sad part. The part of Bob. My heart is heavy and sad. I brought my daughter to see him yesterday, as he is still in the hospital. He is supposed to get out today. We've been talking while he is there, because they have kept him a week and it is so boring in there.

The psychiatric ward of any hospital is a desperately sad place to be and to see someone be at.  It is especially hard to see my daughter, see her father there.  But I think it gives her a better understanding of his illness.  That he isn't choosing this.

But even though it feels wrong, he isn't coming back to this house. He is going to his family's, until another program starts for dual diagnosis after Christmas, where he will stay in the dorms at the program.  I have set down boundaries that I need to stick to.  It breaks my heart.  The man that I love so much, I see glimpses of in there sometimes.  But I know that coming here, he will never get better.  The best chance for his recovery, is to do it on his own.  It hurts, HURTS, but I know it is right.  So I let go.

So, these high and low emotions are exhausting to me.  I aim for the middle, but life seems to make that really hard for me.  This is a stressful time of year for everyone.  I am equally grateful, happy, and sad.  In extreme ways.  Focusing on moving forward, one project, one thing, one day at a time. I know this too shall pass.  And I will find the middle.  And guess what?  I'll probably be bored as hell.

Thank you for everything everyone has done for me and the kids.  I hope you all have a very happy holiday.  Yes, I say happy holiday.  Covers everyone.  I have a lot of love for you.


  1. Every single day there are things that happen to me that I have to stop and remind myself that I answer to me first.

  2. The same thing happened to me last year, I rolled into a lady and she was so mean! So I was very mature about it, I told her to have a Merry Christmas and called her a c**t. Keep your head up, you are doing fantastic!!

    1. There is something about driving and personal space and road rage. I was caught off guard at how pissed she was. Not a good moment for me. I did not swear. Might be the first time ever. Progress? Maybe. Thanks!!!

    2. Twice in the last 5 years someone has pulled in front of me to turn left and I creamed them... their fault (both times I had the right of way), and I wasn't mean to them, yes I had to take a breath and remember that accidents happen and although it was their fault they didn't do it on purpose. So I was nice, no need to be mean, it's not like you did it on purpose - after her rudeness I'd have had a hard time keeping my temper too, I'd have yelled back :)

  3. Sweet! You're stylin with that new couch! I'm glad you have hope dear Betsey and that you have friends to help you with some home repairs. That's fantastic!! Big hugs my Minnesota far away friend.