I think for many people like me, we like to find the reason for everything. Why did I become a drug addict? Why did I find happiness in recovery? Why can't everyone? Why can some people party all through college like raging alcoholics, and grow out of it? And why others can't?
For many people, maybe especially those who don't follow a religious faith, there has to be a reason for everything. I tried to figure out why I am an addict for a long time. Because my mom died? Because my dad always put his work in front of us? Because they made me move in 8th grade? Because I have never felt good enough? Because I was always chasing a good feeling to cover up the bad feeling inside of me? Because I just REALLY like to party and it got out of hand?
I usually settled on the reason I did drugs was because I was a bad person. And I couldn't do the right thing, even if it was easy.
Now I understand that I'm not a bad person. I just crossed a line that once a person like me crosses, I can never go back.
That line means that I can't taste that new flavor of vodka (those cake vodka commercials kill me a little) or the like. And that's okay, because I am not like the "normies" who can. It will never be worth it.
I don't know why I crossed the line. Well...I do. I have that disease of the choice part of my brain. Once I take that first drink or drug, the choice part of my brain goes crazy, and I will choose to use drugs and alcohol over everything else that seems reasonable. Like caring for my kids, caring for myself and paying my bills.
It's the holidays. Drinks and parties are flying. I don't have a job, so thankfully I don't have an office party. And I don't really get invited to parties anymore. If I do, it's normally my sober friends. Which is cool. We always have fun.
So, I still am a little cloudy as to why I was able to find comfort in recovery, and some people can't. I was able to get to that place. I am no better or no worse than any other drug addict or alcoholic. Why was I able to follow direction and see this better life? Some people do all of those things, and still don't make it. Why does this feel like I'm being fulfilled, but some people can't? I know why I'm an addict/alcoholic. I don't know why I love recovery, and not everyone does. Even people who WANT to be sober. They don't love it.
Like I said earlier, I still use food, TV, all of that. I have been really focusing on that this past week, but also being gentle on myself because I'm going through such a rough patch. I'm grateful for my sobriety because its giving me hands of people reaching out to support me. No one would have done that if I was using.
I just wish everyone could get it.