Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I throw a tantrum

This was supposed to be done yesterday. But it wasn't.

I am a control freak. And I mean being controlling is so ingrained into myself, that it is sometimes impossible for me to see and extremely difficult to overcome.  I want, what I want, when I want it, as they say. And I am a master manipulator. I've heard it said in a meeting or two by other folks, so I know I'm not alone.

I have been this way as far back as I can remember. Even playing barbies with my neighbor. If she didn't want to have the same scenario going that I did, I would manipulate the situation, throw fits, I think one time I even kicked her, until I got my way.

Maybe this comes from being the baby in the family and getting what I wanted? I controlled my mother by throwing fits long enough, until she gave in. If I wanted to go to the mall, have a friend over, and she said no, I raged until she gave in. It almost always worked. As a mom myself, I know giving in is just easier. Plus, she wanted me to be happy.

I had a boyfriend, poor dude, most of my high school years. He had a big group of friends and I attempted to control his whole life.  I used him to make me feel better about my mom, my dad, my life.  And if he didn't want to do what I wanted him to do, I became a tantrum throwing, following him around, knocking on his window in the middle of the night, crying and carrying on stalker.  Oh my god it was horrible. Lucky for him, he escaped.

Of course I met and married Bob.  The first year of marriage I decided that I would be exactly like my mom.  I cooked him dinner every night and had a perfectly clean house. His friends accepted me, I had no friends of my own (we were in 29 Palms, CA as he finished out his enlistment) so they never had a "boys night out" again, once I showed up. Because he was the only one with a wife, I got to be one of the boys. I can honestly say that those were some of the coolest guys I have ever met.  They treated me like family and we had such a good time. But no way in hell they were going to have fun without me. I don't remember ever having to push too hard for that. I do remember some crazy shit, but that is a good story for another time.

So, I still always got my way.  It wasn't hard to do that first year, because Bob wanted me to have my way.  He wanted me to be happy.  Once upon a time, before his experience and his mind got control of him, he was the perfect husband, for a controlling wife.

He worked for my dad, we did what I wanted, we had kids when I wanted to, and the list could go on. Don't get me wrong, Bob tried college and other ventures, but it became easier for him to just not try, it might have become easier for him to just wait to be told. I have guilt there. But I now know that there were other factors in play.

Then he got sick.

So when I stopped being able to control everything Bob did, because his disease took over, well, that doesn't sit well with a control freak.  I couldn't make him do what I wanted him to do.  I couldn't tantrum out large enough to stop him or start him from doing anything.

And as I get better, tantrums are almost gone. But when I feel really out of control, or I feel hopeless, sometimes I fall back to a good freak-out. Don't make me tell you the story of the other day when I got finished scrubbing the bathroom floor, after getting it cleaned up from painting, and someone flushed it and it overflowed everywhere. I swear to god I cried (like, tears) for a half hour. I usually keep it together better than that now. But a human can only handle so much. No one was the object of my tantrum, I just lost it.

But still, if I see Bob and he isn't (from my point of view) doing exactly what I think he should be doing. I nag. I try SO hard not to. And I think he probably doesn't know how much I actually WIN when it comes to keeping my trap shut. But sometimes "you'd feel better if you went to a meeting." Or "when do you see the doctor?" Or "why can't you do this or that for me?"

I am so far from doing anything perfectly or even right most days. But I suppose, by comparison, we can agree that it is much better than before, and working on it is all I can do.

So, it should be even quieter around here this summer, neighbors! Well, I'm loud, even when I'm calm and happy.

This is my dog Archie. He never throws a tantrum.

1 comment:

  1. Psst. I throw tantrums too! And I have to brag on you again for keeping your writing so fresh and real and entertaining. You enlighten me with your stories cause I can relate in huge ways. Keep it up girl! Have an awesome day!