Thursday, January 10, 2013

Stuck on honesty

I have tried to keep up a Monday-Wednesday-Friday blogging schedule.  And lately it has seemed more like a job, and less fun for me.  I think I know why.

Everything that I am going through in my personal life, if I were to be completely honest about what is in my head, I would sound like a total bitch. I am trying, and stumbling a whole lot on this issue.  I cannot be totally honest here right now.   My daughter for sure reads this blog.  I don't think Bob reads it.  Maybe  some of my in-laws read it.  My family reads it.  And I don't want to offend or hurt anyone here.  So that part of my life, until I can figure out how to say it without hurting anyone, will have to remain off of this space.  But if I could let it rip here, I could write a whole lot of shit every day. And although I am managing things pretty well, I often choke on anger and self-pity. I think I'm hiding it well enough, but I am having trouble writing about anything else at the moment.

I am sometimes all consumed with this in my head.  I am good with it, I am bad with it.  I am a bit of a mess with it.  Trying to do what I know the program has taught me, and many days failing miserably.  More failure than not this past week.  It is hard to be separated from your spouse.  On every single level.  Some of it is awesome. Some of it feels good. And I know it is right.  But my ego gets stuck on this need to be right.  For people to understand my side.  It is a bullshit character defect of mine that is fucking me up all of the time.

For instance. (oh, I guess I am talking about it.)  Bob's family is totally involved this time with his treatment and his illness.  They went to the Friends and Family day this time, instead of me.  He went to the Mall of America with them, out to eat with them, etc.  They have really been involved with his doctor and all of it.  It has been good for them to see this and understand it.  It has helped him remove some of his shame and guilt with the trauma part of his life.  You see, the fear of telling their loved ones about what they experience during war or any traumatic event, often causes great anxiety and gets them stuck.  They don't want their loved ones to view them differently, because of what they have seen or done.

I was burnt out.  I can't help him.  We all know that.

A healthy normal person would be so happy that he was taking care of himself, making this needed connection with his family for his health, and not laying in bed all day.  Especially a normal person who is studying to be a counselor.  I mean, this is what I wanted.  I should be happy for him.  I am happy for him.  But, then my head starts to think, "well he wouldn't do that for us."  Or, "oh, so NOW you'll go shopping?"  Or, "you helped THEM move some furniture, and we have had unfinished wood floors for ten years."

For real.  That is where I go with it.  My selfish, snotty, disgusting self does that.  I forget to change my perspective to,  I am sober, and able to care for the kids myself.  I should be grateful for that.  But I often feel sorry for myself because I am here with the kids alone. And although I am so happy that I can not only do this, but do it well, it isn't easy. Being a single parent is hard shit. I'm tired. But I was a single parent when he was here anyway. He knows that, he just told me that the other day.  But instead of taking the kids somewhere, he goes out with his family.  THAT IS SO STUPID of me.  But that is where my head goes.  And I battle that every day.

So what this tells me,  I already know. Even though I don't want control of his recovery anymore (or at least I know for my own good I need to let that go), when there is some change in it,  that I had nothing to do with, I feel jealous.  Jealous that I couldn't get him to do that.  Jealous that he would do that for other people, and not me and the kids.

I know how awful this sounds.  I know how fucked up it is.  I also know that if I don't shed light on it, I cannot change it.  Because this relationship is toxic.  I am toxic to him, and he is toxic to me.  This is why we are separated.  Because we have the kids, we of course will have to interact.  And we still talk  every day.  Sometimes I behave like an ass.  Sometimes I don't.  But when I am bahaving badly, I know that it is because of control.  I have no control of his recovery.  And when something changes, I guess there is some fear attached to it.  Fear that I failed.

And then I remember that this isn't about me.  And he deserves to thrive.  He isn't exactly thriving, but he is moving forward.  I like the connections and the honestly he has shared with his family.  They are a very close and loving family. They just didn't know what he was dealing with.  They are not really super fans of mine, but that is okay.  (You know that isn't okay with me at all.)  And if he is thriving away from this house, then thank goodness.  We made the exact right choice.  He is a good man and he deserves to be healthy and happy.  I think just maybe he might get there.  Not here with me, and that is what needs to be.

Go ahead, tell me to go to Alanon.  I plan on it NEXT Friday.  Today, we have a doctor appointment.  We have had some influenza running around the house.  One kid for sure.  He is fine now, but it has been busy.  PLUS, I have some painting going on.  I will post pictures over the weekend, maybe.  Or next week.  I will be a better blogger soon.  

God, I feel like I keep talking about the same shit all of the time. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful weekend. I'll try to stick to the schedule next week.

8 comments:

  1. Betsey, you are only human! Stop trying to be super woman and just accept that you are exactly what you need to be for now. Take one day at a time and keep up the great work! You deserve to experience the feelings you are experiencing. We all go through this and you are not alone. If you need - call you know how to get in touch with me. Just know you are much stronger than you think. {{Hugs}}
    Lorri

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  2. Betsey, you are not complaining or whining at all. you are venting. which we all do. relationships, kids, LIFE can be very stressful! Don't be so hard on you self. you should be very proud of YOU. you've come a long way and are a role model to many (no pressure there) just keep on trucking and if you need to get something off your chest thats perfectly fine. take deep breath, focus on yourself and kiddos and like you said let Bob pave his way, you'll be there for him.

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  3. Ok lady, first of all this is YOUR blog to write about ANYTHING you want! I am just guessing but you probably started this blog as a form of healing and getting your thoughts out here. Dont stop doing that. Anyone who reads this needs to understand and know that recovery is about daily struggles. Continue to be honest with your blog and honest with yourself. Dont hold back. You are allowed those feelings Betsey. We all have selfish moments and thoughts regardless of the circumstances. I'm proud of you!

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  4. I have just recently found this blog and I swear you sound so much like me that it's scary. I am proud of you and love how real you are in your writing. Keep it real girl. I have read your entire blog and it gives me goosebumps. You are an amazing woman and I will follow your story as you continue on this road called life.

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    1. That kind of shit makes my heart happy! Thank you.

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  5. I am incredibly impressed with how much you've been able to do for yourself, Bob, and your family thus far. And I know that the sacrificing is far from over. I also know what it's like to feel like you're constantly getting the short end of the stick. Hang in there; you're an amazing person, and I know things will get easier with time.

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  6. I think being trained as a counselor doesn't mean that you can always be objective when it comes to your own family issues. Of course you're jealous that Bob couldn't do it for you or his kids. That's a normal reaction. What is impressive to me is that the skills you've learned either through your own recovery program or your training enables to acknowledge that you have these feelings and that you're willing to work on feeling differently. I think you have a amazing grasp of things and I admire you and your strength. Your kids are very lucky.

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  7. Wow. I've missed a lot lately. Can I just say this: id be pretty bullshit too. Id feel EXACTLY the same way you do. Its bullshit. Why the fuck would he not do this for you. For the kids.

    Then, as an outsider looking in, I can say Betsy- you and the kids are EXACTLY why he's doing this. Because he's finally facing the reality that his 'not' getting better, leaves him without the one he loves the most. Besty, if he wanted to be with them, to do this for them, he'd have left a long time ago.

    This is definitely a "win". A small one if that, and only time will tell just how it will stick, but a win nonetheless

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