I sat down today to go through the fifty-plus drafts I have sitting in the draft section of my blog. These have been thoughts or sentences that I meant to elaborate on at a later time. Some of these thoughts I wrote something else about, and some of them I just forgot where I was going with it. But I decided it was time to look at them and either write, or delete.
Whoa...since I started this deal last June, I have been through some shit! And it isn't exactly the shit that I have gone through that has struck me, but my reaction to it. If I didn't know any better, I would think that maybe I was suffering from bipolar disorder. And I don't make light of that. I am serious. Some pretty serious up and down swings. It seems that I have pretty extreme perceptions of the exact same situations.
Although I was once diagnosed with bipolar (I was just sober off of cocaine and my symptoms were similar) I am sure I do not have it. As I had more sobriety, I went off of my medications and have had no real symptoms. Obviously, no one should ever do this without the care of their doctor. But my highs and lows are situational, and if I pay attention, I can relieve them. People with true bipolar disorder cannot do this, so that counts me out.
Even with my little spin of anger and self-pity on Sunday-Thursday this week, I can see from my past attempts at blog posts, that I am progressing. Mostly. I think I have stabilized quite a bit. I was pretty elated starting this blog, writing and connecting with people. There were the trips I took, summer off of school, and all of the good things life has been bringing me. There has been my separation from Bob, the money troubles, and the pain of giving up what I thought our life was going to be like once I sobered up.
There has been the people who have reached out to help me, my own dad and his generosity (I didn't order the bras) and the fixing and transformation of my home. There has been the deal with my daughter and her "friends" from school. Her grades at her old school, and her success at her new school.
It is a bit of a damn roller coaster.
I guess what I am getting at is that I react strongly to all of these things. My attitude and my happiness or sadness in my life has been directly linked to people, places and things. And as much as I try, all of those people, places and things, I cannot control. They have been controlling me.
Lucky for me, I have a program that will help me with this stuff. My sponsor wants me to start working steps one and three harder. She says I don't quite have them. I feel like I get them, I just need to be better at practicing.
Going back through the drafts and the posts that I published so far has made me realize that I have a lot of work to do. I need to really slow down, let go, and take it one moment at a time. Decide what is my part and let go of what isn't. I know better. But it isn't easy to do. It takes practice. And I have forgot to practice. So for me, from THIS moment, I will exhale, let go and practice. Progress, not perfection right?
Until the next great or awful thing-of-the-week happens.