This is a lesson that I am SO slow at getting. You see it goes like this. Sunday, after the birthday party, (did I mention some of the boys peed in POP CANS?!) Bob returned with our three other kids. He had them for a sleepover at his sister's, where he stays.
I won't get in to how that went. Let's just say I got a lot of texts from the kids that all there was to eat was mints. She is a busy woman with no kids and so it's like a bachelorette-pad, plus Bob. Not super filled with snacks and stuff for kids, which is totally normal.
When they got to my house, my twins wanted to go hunting for the St. Paul Winter Carnival medallion.
This shot of the basement is basically how it was left. Now, I know he is sick. And I know he is tired, because he is sick, but I can't deal with shit like this. The worst part is that he cleaned it up. He said it was done. This is done. THIS IS DONE??
I mean, it isn't TERRIBLE. But it isn't the way he KNOWS I want it. By the way...the paint job looks great, no?
So I get stuck. It should be simple. Don't ask him for anything, and I won't be disappointed. It must be the Puritan work ethic that is instilled in us that makes me judge people by how much they can get done in a day (Metro State students, HOLLA!). And that shit is getting me nowhere. Not to mention, I am far from having a strong work ethic, so...
In my mind, I feel like he should be trying harder. For what? He doesn't have to do shit for me. And I shouldn't ask. I guess in my deepest thoughts, I think that if he wants back in here, he would try harder.
But can he? I don't know. Would it change anything? I don't know. Do I even want that? Not today. Besides, he should be focusing on only himself.
Some days I don't think about this, him, us. Some days go by, and we haven't spoke or text each other, and I don't notice. Out of sight, out of mind. Those days I'm not angry, disappointed, hurt.
So what happens? I think I can handle a little contact? I can handle having him here for a bit? I think I can ask him to do something and he will be so happy to help? Just one more time. That thinking is familiar. It is a relapse with my relationship.
Then my resentment, hurt, and self-pity come flushing back. And it takes me days to get over it. To stop texting something not-so-nice to him. To not feel fucked over. To feel okay.
Man, this process is hard. I cannot believe people separate and divorce all of the time. And some people (like my dad) get married and end marriages FIVE TIMES!! How the HELL?
Doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. You've heard all of this before. I know exactly where I screw up. And I need to try harder. If I can be compassionate with others, he deserves it too. I just wish he would do exactly what I want. Oh boy...
Here are some more shots of my little sweeties looking for the Medallion. And by the way, we were in the wrong park. Not to mention, I hadn't registered my Winter Carnival button (worth $5,000.00), I hadn't cut out the newspaper clues (worth $2,500.00) so we would have received like $2,500.00 out of $10,000.00. You should have seen the look on their faces when I told them that. They were like, "Forget it then!"
Kids are funny. Next year man, next year we will do it right.