Friday, February 1, 2013

I am kind of an asshole myself.

Today I'm not speaking to Bob. And it all stems from my expectations. They always turn me into a ball of anger. And they rob me of patience and the compassion that I talked about just on Wednesday.

This is a lesson that I am SO slow at getting. You see it goes like this. Sunday, after the birthday party, (did I mention some of the boys peed in POP CANS?!) Bob returned with our three other kids. He had them for a sleepover at his sister's, where he stays.

I won't get in to how that went. Let's just say I got a lot of texts from the kids that all there was to eat was mints. She is a busy woman with no kids and so it's like a bachelorette-pad, plus Bob. Not super filled with snacks and stuff for kids, which is totally normal.

When they got to my house, my twins wanted to go hunting for the St. Paul Winter Carnival medallion.

 I had made a promise, and although I was without sleep, I needed to keep it. Since I had done everything for my son's birthday party, and I hadn't slept, AND I was still going to keep a promise I made to my twins about medallion hunting, I figured the LEAST Bob could do (he stayed at our house while I took the twins on the treasure hunt) was clean up the basement. It had blankets, cans and wrappers around. Start to finish, about a 15 minute job. I asked him to do it, and he said he would.

This shot of the basement is basically how it was left. Now, I know he is sick. And I know he is tired, because he is sick, but I can't deal with shit like this. The worst part is that he cleaned it up. He said it was done. This is done. THIS IS DONE??

I mean, it isn't TERRIBLE.  But it isn't the way he KNOWS I want it.  By the way...the paint job looks great, no?

So here is where I turn into an asshole.  A healthy, normal, compassionate woman could handle this. When will I GET THIS?  Does he leave a mess at his sister's? Does he do things for his family? Why can't he help me out a little?  None of that matters but I immediately take it personally. And then I feel fucked over. And I get pissed.

So I get stuck.  It should be simple.  Don't ask him for anything, and I won't be disappointed.  It must be the Puritan work ethic that is instilled in us that makes me judge people by how much they can get done in a day (Metro State students, HOLLA!).  And that shit is getting me nowhere. Not to mention, I am far from having a strong work ethic, so...

In my mind, I feel like he should be trying harder. For what? He doesn't have to do shit for me. And I shouldn't ask. I guess in my deepest thoughts, I think that if he wants back in here, he would try harder.

But can he? I don't know. Would it change anything? I don't know.  Do I even want that?  Not today.  Besides, he should be focusing on only himself.

Some days I don't think about this, him, us. Some days go by, and we haven't spoke or text each other, and I don't notice. Out of sight, out of mind. Those days I'm not angry, disappointed, hurt.

So what happens?  I think I can handle a little contact?  I can handle having him here for a bit?  I think I can ask him to do something and he will be so happy to help?  Just one more time.  That thinking is familiar.  It is a relapse with my relationship.

Then my resentment, hurt, and self-pity come flushing back. And it takes me days to get over it. To stop texting something not-so-nice to him. To not feel fucked over.  To feel okay.

Man, this process is hard.  I cannot believe people separate and divorce all of the time.  And some people (like my dad) get married and end marriages FIVE TIMES!! How the HELL?

Doing the same thing over and expecting a different result.  You've heard all of this before.  I know exactly where I screw up.  And I need to try harder. If I can be compassionate with others, he deserves it too. I just wish he would do exactly what I want.  Oh boy...

Here are some more shots of my little sweeties looking for the Medallion.  And by the way, we were in the wrong park.  Not to mention, I hadn't registered my Winter Carnival button (worth $5,000.00), I hadn't cut out the newspaper clues (worth $2,500.00) so we would have received like $2,500.00 out of $10,000.00.  You should have seen the look on their faces when I told them that.  They were like, "Forget it then!"

Kids are funny.  Next year man, next year we will do it right.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Betsey I'm getting caught up on your blog tonight. I enjoy reading it. your a talented writer an I'm proud of you for putting it out there. I'm sure many others benefit from your blog too. I just read about Tom and the bra infomercial, that was super funny! This one not so funny, I too get disappointed when my expectations aren't met, your right too if we didn't have expectations we wouldn't be disappointed. Life can be a bitch! Anyway lady I'm enjoying my evening getting caught up on your blog :) good stuff!