And I fucking hate it.
I try to ignore it and there are long periods of time that I can do just that. I can pass it off as something it isn't. I'm tired, but I can't sleep, or I'm crabby, or I don't feel like doing anything. That translates into my brain that I am lazy, I am a bitch, and I am an awful person who isn't any fun.
The truth is, I am some of those things sometimes. I am finding it harder and harder to be nice to the people who are closest to me.
I have been on and off of medications for years. Right now I am off. I was on Zoloft last year from about March to July or something like that. And I think it MIGHT have helped. But it turns out that I broke out in hives. The only thing that changed in my life was the Zoloft. So it was decided that I was allergic to it. I went off of it. The brain zaps, and the dizzy feeling that it left me with, made me decide that I wouldn't try another drug.
In the past 15 years, I have tried Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac, Lamictal, and some other mood stabilizers (I was diagnosed bipolar once upon a time). I hate side effects. Also, I was on Effexor for a few years. I was on the max dose. I tried to go off of it , because I didn't like the withdrawal effects when I didn't take it. But it wasn't until they raised the co-pay by a LOT (and I lost my insurance) that it pissed me off enough to suffer through the withdrawal. My brain felt like electricity was zipping through it when I moved my eyes. The vertigo is horrific, and all I could do was sit still. I felt like they got my body dependent on it, and raised the copay, so they KNEW I would want to get more. Conspiracy, I am fucking telling you.
I was either using or newly sober when I went off of it, so you can imagine how horrible that felt.
So for the last year, I've been slugging it out. Some of the life changes and my recovery community have been helping me out. And some of it has been making it worse. But this past month or two, (and it could be the season or the hard life stuff), has left me thinking that maybe this would feel easier with some depression medication. The hopelessness creeps in, and I have been finding myself with no energy, not caring about school, and not being very nice. I feel like it's getting darker and darker inside my head.
There are for sure things I can do with my diet, exercise and also 12-step stuff that will help with this. But I'm feeling that this is reaching beyond those tools. I will kick those three things up a notch though.
It goes without saying that I'm grateful for all of the good stuff that has been happening in my life. I focus on that. It just doesn't feel it like it should. This has nothing to do with that.
I'm able to smile, and to joke and even to fake fun. But when I'm not doing that, it is getting pitch black in my world. I am finding it harder to go to the store, because of anxiety. I am behind in school. I am sinking. So I guess that even though I HATE medication, it's time to stop ignoring this, and find a new psychiatrist, and stick to something this time.
"Just when I think I've uncovered the secret
To peace and tranquility
That lonely sinking feeling
Creeps up on me" (The Cowboy Junkies)