Friday, February 15, 2013

Just figured out I'm jealous.

Codependency and addiction.  Some people call themselves a "double winner" when they get to deal with these two together.  Being a part of the recovery community makes me feel like a winner.  But this other shit can be tricky.

I just had an Oprah "light bulb moment."  I've talked about how I believe that Bob is over-medicated by the VA.  And some of his medication can be addictive.  Sometimes, he slurs his words and doesn't make sense when he talks.

When this happens, I get pissed.  Pissed that he is allowing the VA to do this to him.  But is that the truth?  NO IT ISN'T.

I mean it does suck that after his last VA treatment for PTSD, they didn't have an aftercare plan for him.  They continued the medication that makes him so dopey.  They aren't really planning a plan that gets him well enough for me fast enough.  I get a ball of anger in the pit of my chest that makes me feel like I could vomit out fire.

What am I REALLY mad at?  That Bob gets to have those meds, and I do not.  I am jealous.  Jealous as the day is long.  That fucker gets to go through this life with an altered state.  And I don't.  My addict hates that.  I know he needs them.  And we need him to be on them (I still think more therapy, less meds is the answer, but the VA doesn't roll like that.).  So, the addict that lives in my body is and has been PISSED.

So have I wanted him off these meds for his well being?  Or my own?  I would say my own.  Do you know what a relief it is to figure this out?  Here I am, just washing laundry today it dawned on me.  If he needs them, or he doesn't, it doesn't matter to me or my recovery.  I have a choice.  

What does that tell me?  Well, it tells me that I will be getting my ass to more meetings.  And I will stop focusing on his meds.  He will change the address and have them sent to his sister's house, and I will no longer have to see them, know about them, or wonder about them.  And when he is slurring his words, I will just have to ignore it, or end the visit.

I do not want to give the impression that Bob is abusing his medication.  He is just on some meds that make him very sleepy.  I have no idea about anything other than that.

This is addiction,  and it never goes away.  It is a life-long chronic disease that I have to be aware of.  I learn something new every day.

1 comment:

  1. Wow that is quite an epiphany! I am so proud of you doing the healthy thing and having him change the address. You dont need to be reminded of all the drugs he has to take. Betsey, you are getting stronger, better, healthier every day! DO you read back and see how much has changed in just this last year? I'm like a proud mom but good friend to see you turn from caterpillar into the butterfly. Hugs!