It has been over three months since Bob has been out of our house. And in the grand scheme of things, I think I've done pretty well.
I am sure that my feelings of depression have as much to do with my marriage as they do with my brain not firing the right amounts and the right types of neurotransmitters.
As you know, I really thought that this separation would spark him to do more to get better. And maybe in some parts, he is. But in the whole picture, he is not. The reality of that weighs me down to the ground. I miss the man that he was for so long. I miss the dreams (corny, I know) we had of retiring and our life together. I miss how funny he used to be. I miss the dad I thought I had decided to co-parent with. I miss what never really was what I had anyhow. Twenty-one years is a long time to share your life with someone. And now, I am kind of terrified.
And super fucking tired. It's amazing to me that so many people go through this and still walk around and function, day in and day out. But what choice do I have? There is only room for one of us to fall apart. I have to keep my shit together and keep moving forward.
And then there's the guilt about him and his illness.
I am not trying to state that I need a partner to feel complete. But let's face it. If motherhood was hard for me when I had a partner, imagine, as I'm sure many of you can, what it feels like without one. To be everything these kids need, is probably the scariest order I've ever had. And to be a single parent, a single woman, is something I never EVER wanted to be. I have to REALLY change the way I think about this, to feel okay about it. It just isn't where I thought I would be. I never thought that WE would be here.
But here I am anyhow. And I am scared. I am scared to be alone. I've never been good at alone. Even if I've been technically alone for years, it didn't feel like it so much as it does now.
So I will have to just let these days, weeks and months pass. I will grieve my marriage. I was so angry for so long. I still go back to that anger sometimes. But the more I let go, and the more I accept the situation, the sadder I am. It is going to take me time to figure out how to do this. I have my meetings and many friends and family that will help me.
I'm a broken record, aren't I?
How long does this take anyhow? To feel normal? Because all I want to do is be left alone and sleep, which are two things that I can't do anyhow.
Wait...don't answer that. Just mark this down in the most depressing blog post ever. Maybe the most depressing blog. (My ego is still huge.) I should take the word "funny" out of the description. Sorry. Let's hope this funk is over soon. I appreciate all of the comments and suggestions people have given me. This is something I will get through. I have tools to use. Don't worry about me, I will be okay. But being sad will obviously be part of the process.