When people wish me luck in my recovery, or tell me to "keep up the good work" I really appreciate it, but it always makes me pause.
Don't get me wrong, there is some luck involved and some good work that has to be done to remain drug and alcohol free. It is not always the easiest thing to do. But for me, now, it is the easiest thing to do.
Last night, in class, we had to do Rule 25 assessments (tool used to asses folks in possible need of treatment and services) on each other in class. We were given characters to play for our classmates to assess. I was given a 50 year-old methamphetamine addict recently arrested for a drug distribution charge. Although I never dealt (I tried a few times, but couldn't stop doing to product to make any money) it wasn't too far of a stretch for me. When the questions of the withdrawal came, and why I continued to use, I was able to really feel that feeling from way back when. The exhaustion, the hunger, the utter sadness. That was a LOT of work. I really couldn't manage that now with the life I have going. And I want to keep the life I have going.
There is and should be a fear of complacency that can come with recovery. If I get TOO comfortable, and stop doing the things that make recovery possible and simple, than I will for sure fail. Like this week, for instance, I couldn't go to my Saturday meeting because the tile guy was coming, and I couldn't go to my Wednesday meeting because my kid was sick. And let me tell you, the universe, my thinking, my family, my perception all suffered. My kids fought more, and I stressed more.
I usually make meetings my priority. I cannot remember a time (other than when I went to California) that I missed a full week of meetings. I try to do two or three a week, but I for sure do one. This week, I have done none. So the whole world looks fucked up. My kids fought so bad last night (I think I will explain to you that little gem tomorrow) that it was insane.
Now, if I continued to not make meetings and not do the things I am supposed to do to keep my recovery in check, I can see how things could quickly fall apart. And then I might think, "well fuck this, I might as well use." I am not saying that this is where I am thinking now, but the increase in chaos when I don't take the time to take care of myself and get into those rooms is measurable. It doesn't take long for my brain to forget how to cope, and I need to be around my people. So guess what? I can't write anymore, because I need to get myself into the shower and get my ass to a meeting. I know what works for me, and I am so grateful it is that simple.