One of my most viewed blog posts here is titled "I got super fat." I talked about how I got fat since sobering up.
I think the reason this it was viewed so many times is because I either did some kind of media thing that day, OR maybe I was one of the first people to comment on one of The Bloggess posts that day. Seriously, I used to watch her like a hawk to say something funny and drive people over here. Like it was a job or something. She is damn funny.
Or maybe it is because people, like me, are obsessed with weight. Booo. But true.
Now, if you are thinking about sobering up, and you are reading this, and you are afraid you'll gain weight, just keep reading. Life in recovery, fat of not, is still better than the hell of drugs and alcohol.
When we get sober, sometimes alcoholics replace the sugar in alcohol, with sugar in food. And Meth-heads can replace starvation and binges, with just binges.
And then there is the whole cross-addiction thing that can happen if a person isn't conscious and careful.
These aren't facts, these are just issues that CAN happen. Or at least, they happened to me.
And the more I try to control my food deal, the worse it is getting. The diet I was referring to on that blog post is Medifast. That shit is disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Everything is a powder or a bar. It is not something that I can stick to. A plan like that will never work for me. Because controlled eating of crap food is like trying to do controlled using of crap drugs and booze. It never works for an addict like me. Never, ever, ever.
So here I am. I am probably the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life, and I HATE every second of it. If I seriously spelled out the kind of binge eating that I participate in, you might be shocked. Or maybe many of you wouldn't be shocked, because so many of us are alike. It is insanity. And if I keep it up, my health will suffer.
I understand the perfect storm that has lead me to where I am. I'm using food to cope with my life. So I have to apply what I know about coping with my life without drugs and alcohol, to coping with my life without using food. It is the same idea. I will not be going to any of those OA meetings (not to offend anyone who gets well there). But I will be thinking along those lines of what they do.
I want to be healthier all together. Move more, eat better. Use my tools that I've learned in recovery to stop using external stuff to deal with my internal issues. Pretty simple on paper. And take it one day at a time, instead of in pounds. We will see where it leads me.
Have a good Monday.