Wednesday, March 27, 2013

So here I am

I am terrified of being alone.

People have told me that I was already alone with Bob anyhow, so what is the difference?

There is a big difference. Although he wasn't able to be much of a partner here, he was still here. In the kids eyes, he was still here.  I still had the idea that I had somebody.  And there was the idea of us being a whole family. The idea of having a husband and being married.  Even if we were broken.

I could hug and kiss him if I wanted to. We still had some laughs once in awhile. I could nag him to take out the trash if I wanted to. He could give rides, pour cereal, and keep my leaving the house for long periods of time, legal.

I took the boys to a mall for a Kendama battle this past weekend. It was "Kid's Day" at the mall. The Easter bunny (I hate that bunny) was there and there were a lot of families with small kids. Lots of dads. Doing their thing. Helping, happy to be there. Being appropriate, involved, present, and all of it.

So I got (and still get) stuck comparing my insides to their outsides. The way they looked and the kind of life I imagined they had. I'm sure many of them were as happy and healthy as they looked. But I also know that many of them probably weren't. Even so,  I found myself feeling jealous and cynical. Like I wanted to whisper in their ear when I passed them by, "That will never, ever last."

I struggle with feeling sorry for myself for not having a partner. I was feeling terrible about the place that I am at, at 42 years of age. Obviously something in my head, like fucking society, has made me believe that I am not a whole, complete person unless someone of the opposite sex loves me. Who am I if I don't have a husband?  This change needed in my thinking is difficult for me to get used to. Wanting to share my life with a partner is human.  And when you have kids, it is also easier.  But it doesn't make me a person.

I catch myself wondering who the hell would ever want to share their life with me and all of my shit? Am I going to be all alone forever? Then I have to remind myself that I haven't even been separated for four whole months, and for god's sake, chill the fuck out. No one said I would be alone forever, or that even if I am, that I can't be happy.  But this is where my mind goes. All the way to forever.

Fear is a bitch.

I started doing this blog to connect with other addicts, share my story with others, and get help by helping. I wanted to show that recovery is possible and that life is better sober. I don't know if these pity-party posts help anyone, or even help me. I think this process of separation is harder than I imagined. And even with a 12-step program, and people to talk to who have been here before, it isn't going to be done without pain.  But it can be done.  And I am doing it, even though I am terrified.  There is no perfect or softer way to feel these feelings.  They are painful, and real.  I know I'll get better with time.  This is life.  

On a good note, the snow is melting.  And I love the smell of melting snow.  Have a good day!

7 comments:

  1. Hey - Thanks for your honesty. Reminded me of the JFT reading from last week, "If we share the full message of our recovery, we may not know who benefits, but we can be sure someone will." (full meditation here: http://www.jftna.org/pages/3-18.htm) It's only pity when we feel sorry for ourselves. That's different from being honest and open about our struggles. And shit really sucks sometimes, so keep it real! I'm sending you light and love today. Stay connected and in the center of your support.

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    1. Jenna thank you for posting that. I needed to read it. I really was feeling bad that I can't say much happy news. But that isn't my point or job. I'm just trying to be real. And so sometimes it sucks. That reading is perfect. Thanks.

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    2. Recovery is no guarantee of happiness, and we need to let people know that! But it beats the alternative - because addiction guarantees misery. Keep it real, sister.

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  2. You are doing an amazing job dealing with everything that is going on. Please know that you are in my thoughts! I know it's not what you expected life to be, but that doesn't mean it's bad. You are an inspiration to many people, and a great role model for your kids. Hugs.

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  3. Betsey, you're doing it all right. We dont come to your blog to read about sunshine and rainbows. I personally love getting a dose of reality. You have a lot going on my friend and to see you go through this and how you handle it, anyone can learn from!
    On another note, i had no idea that snow had a smell while melting. My mom lives in Montana and she is also thrilled for the snow melting. Now she had to be concerned with the flooding that will occur. Happy Easter weekend my friend!

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  4. Dearest Betsey,

    First of all, you are not alone - there are many of us out here in cyberspace who come to this blog to listen to you and be here for you (in as much as a cyberfriend can be). And I KNOW you have lots of real-life friends in recovery who have your back big-time.

    Also remember that there are many so-called "intact marriages" where one or both partners feel alone most of the time.......sad but true.

    Keep on keeping on! You continue to bloom with every post you put out there. ((((hugs from Iowa))))

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  5. I had to laugh when you mentioned the jealousy and cynicism! Me too soooooo much! I'm 49 with a 4-year old. I'm a scientist, highly educated, a musician, all these things. Very independent. I even have my own side business. I'm the ultimate feminist. And yet, I feel desperate sometimes to find a man... the same things going through my head.... who will ever want me now? it's depressing.

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