Years before PTSD took Bob away, and he worked for my dad, he would always get up and read the news from the computer. He did this every day.
Then when I would get up, he would want to talk to me about the worst news of the day. The saddest, the most unfair, the most inhumane.
For years I was into it. Feeling for everyone, getting worked up about the injustices and the horror. Putting myself in there. But as life kicked me in the ass a little more, I stopped wanting to hear it. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear it, I was that I stopped being able to handle it. My brain cannot wrap around it. I couldn't handle anymore sadness.
When these thing happen, such as the school shootings, and now this marathon deal, I do my best to ignore the news. I don't want to see repeated pictures of that little boy who died, holding up that sign about peace. I don't want to know every detail about the wonderful daughter another victim was. I don't want to see the man with his legs blown off. I don't want to disrespect and ignore these folks, because I believe they should recognized, and honored, I just can't go there for too long. I can't.
There is something exploitative about these things to me too. I keep wondering if I would want my baby's picture passed around Facebook, to help people prove they are compassionate. I guess I might feel like the whole world had my back. But I might feel like no one has a right to use my sweet baby for "likes" on a Facebook page. It is a strange place to be.
Then you have the folks who post fake pictures of people who died, just to see if they can fool people into "liking" it. I saw one that said an eight year-old girl was running the marathon in honor of all who died at Sandy Hooks, and she was killed. How strange and awful is that?
Bombing the marathon was a tragic, horrific, cowardly, bullshit, awful thing to do. It is impossible for me to imagine the fear. But I can't drown myself in images and stories about it. I don't do this to be disrespectful. I do this because it doesn't honor anyone to paralyze myself with sorrow. Thank goodness it gives me a second to take pause, and appreciate that life can be over in a second, and I better do the best with what I can, and forgive myself when I can't. And love, love, love people.