Tuesday, May 28, 2013

How do you know?


It wasn't hard for me to see that I needed treatment. I had tried to quit doing drugs many times. I tried all of the tricks we addicts do.  I tried to control it. Only do it on weekends. Never do it past 1 AM. Only do it for a few hours. Taper off and quit.  The old, "THIS will be our last 8-ball."

Last 8-ball. 

Last 8-ball

Last 8-ball

It was never going to be my last 8-ball until I got help. And whether that was from going to treatment that first time, or just back to meetings that last time. I couldn't stop having my "last" time.  But I was lucky,  I could see a bottom rushing up to me that I didn't want to hit. So I decided I needed treatment.

My own family didn't understand that I needed to go to treatment. I mean, Hazelden?  They thought that place was only for the rich and famous, and why did I think I deserved to go there?  (I really got asked that)  I had to hustle for the copay, and it took some convincing on my dad's part to let me go to that treatment. I'm so grateful he agreed.  

When I checked myself in, I started questioning if I needed to be there. Even though I absolutely couldn't quit on my own, I seemed to forget this when I walked into the doors.  The fear of admitting I could never use drugs again sucked.  I felt like the other clients were way worse off than me, and that maybe I had made a HUGE mistake.  I was judging their problem against mine.  But I stayed. And after awhile, I began to see that my drug use earned me my spot there.  It was about the inability to stop on my own.  It was about how crazy my life had gotten because of drugs.  It was about my life.

It was easy for me to stay because I needed the break from my family and the food was so good. My friend who drove me there had gone through it a few years before and was all like, "you'll  love the food.  The pineapple is so good."  I'm like, "yeah, if it is attached to a cake maybe,"  And they had plenty of cake.  And pineapple.  And pineapple upside-down cake.

All I was responsible for was keeping my room neat and making my bed and a few chores on the unit. Totally worth it in my eyes. Hey man, whatever our motives are for going and staying in treatment, if we need it,  are just fine. But the important thing is I learned a ton about addiction, and myself.  What I experienced there was life changing and needed.

It seems that when many of us get to treatment, we are unsure.  Unsure we need to be there, unsure that we can do it, unsure how recovery will fit into our lives, unsure of how our loved ones or friends will react if they know.  The good news is that we don't have to be sure of shit.  Because who is ever totally sure of anything?  The only thing I was sure of was that I couldn't go on living in that chaos of drugs.  And I used that time to focus on myself, learn about addiction, and it planted in me the idea that recovery might not be all that bad.

I would love to say that I have been sober since December 27, 2007.  That day I entered Hazelden.  But, my recovery didn't go that way.  I needed to do more "research," as they say.  So sobriety date is now August 23, 2010.  I haven't felt like doing anymore research since that date, and for that, I am so grateful.  And my life has never been better.

If you think you might need treatment or some kind of help, and cannot decide, think of it this way:  People who drink or drug "normally" don't generally wonder this about themselves.  At least that is my opinion.  An assessment can't hurt, if you just need to know.


Am I repeating myself?  


Also, is it really hard to leave comments on this blog?  Should I switch to WordPress?  I am so technically challenged, I can't even tell you.  But I want to hear from more people.  And if it is too hard to comment here, please let me know somehow.

7 comments:

  1. No you're not repeating yourself. Your blog is for people to recognize addiction and how you're working through it. Anything you share about your personal experience is always good.
    And if you do repeat yourself- who cares! its your blog.

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  2. I just don't think I used long enough to realize I needed treatment. I mean, I was only 15. I'm so grateful that my sober parents recognized that I needed it, and that I was able to get the help. I had to do more work than you, like prepare meals and wash dishes, but it was great to be apart from my family and so needed to have people who weren't related to me tell me my drug use was out of control. Treatment really, really works. Even if we have to do more research - I could never get high without that voice in the back of my head saying, "maybe they're right... maybe I do have a problem."

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  3. I like your blog a lot and love reading it. Keep it up. (And no, it is not hard to leave a comment, I just clicked on where it said 2 comments.)

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    1. Thank you for telling me both of those things!! I am glad you could comment AND that you like it!!

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  4. You said u did prescription drugs? Well my question is if it was the hydrocodone/oxycodone, how did u get over that drug? Cause i know what withdraws are.. i cant take nsaids cause stomach bleeds so i got put on pain meds 20 years ago for my back.. i have 2 small children, which were both c-section due to my back couldnt labor right..so needless to say im addicted.. while i was pregnant they told me i couldn't go a day without it it could harm me and baby.. she is 2 now, but hate it cause i can make it maybe 24 hours without anything at most.. if i dont have it im balled up on the couch or as most addicts know in the bathroom.. my 7 year old knows bout my back and im sure she knows the opiates have won.. im now trying to beat it but cant go into rehab cause my kids there would be noone to take care of them.. the thing is tho they did find stuff wrong in my spine have many pinched nerves, its real pain, my thing is not my excuse for taking to much which my tolerance is high, what am i to do about the pain? They could do surgery but really dont want to i want it but they wont do it unless im losing body function.. so im not sure what to do.. any suggestions?

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  5. I love your blog. I think you are so incredibly real and very relatable. I was clean for almost 2 years(once I found out I was pregnant at 22) and then thought I would just do it one time for fun and now slowly but surely in the past month of July I've done it 5 times. Which is quite a bit when it comes to this drug because You can go on anywhere from 2- 5 day binges. starting to think I'm getting addicted again. But you are an insperation to me and you are so very open, honest and positive. You make it look easy. I know I just need to get my mindset on staying sober. Keep up the good work and keep posting blogs. You don't know how much they give me motivation and hope!

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  6. I love your blog. I think you are so incredibly real and very relatable. I was clean for almost 2 years(once I found out I was pregnant at 22) and then thought I would just do it one time for fun and now slowly but surely in the past month of July I've done it 5 times. Which is quite a bit when it comes to this drug because You can go on anywhere from 2- 5 day binges. starting to think I'm getting addicted again. But you are an insperation to me and you are so very open, honest and positive. You make it look easy. I know I just need to get my mindset on staying sober. Keep up the good work and keep posting blogs. You don't know how much they give me motivation and hope!

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