Sunday, May 12, 2013

No more Motherless Mother's Day

What an upbeat title.  I bet you are just dying to read this one.

I used to hate Mother's Day, obvioulsy.  I have spent more Mother's Days without actually having a mother, than I did with one.

I don't remember doing anything to make my mom's Mother's Day special.  I don't really remember having them with her at all.  We must not have made a big deal about them. Or I wasn't wise enough to commit any of it to memory.  

We might have made her breakfast in bed, maybe a homemade card or maybe one from school.  But I can't say for sure.

We never talked about the fact that she was going to die (I think I've mentioned this before.) We never ever said it. We never said "let's make this count" because we were sure we wouldn't have another Mother's Day, Christmas, or any day.  We always stayed in the camp of "she's going to beat this thing," even when doctors said she was 100% terminally ill. We never talked about not having her around. To not have those conversations is one of my greatest regrets. But at sixteen, I couldn't be in charge of that. I didn't want to believe she was dying either.  

I only remember being jealous of other people having their moms on Mother's Day, after mine was gone.

Mother's day was, for a long time, hardest day of the year for me. I couldn't wait until it was over.

Then I had my own kids, and it instantly cured that day for me.  It wasn't a painful reminder anymore. It was finally something good.

When my kids were smaller, for many of my Mother's Day celebrations, I took the day off from being a mother.  Nice huh?     I didn't have to change a diaper, make a meal, fix a bottle, nothing.  In fact, I would demand to be able to do yard work, uninterrupted, the entire day. That part still sounds good.  But I didn't want to hear "mom" from any of them. I ordered them to leave me alone. They weren't allowed to speak to me.  Really creating some lasting memories for them.

That has changed.

I let them talk to me on Mother's Day now.  I know, super sweet of me.  Sobriety can make us less asshole-ish.  I let them do for me, what they want to, or not.  I one time expected gifts, breakfast in bed, and what-not.  Then to be ignored.  Boy, I have really changed. 

I also used to tell Bob, "Don't buy me anything for Mother's Day, we cant afford it and I don't need anything."  Then I would be PISSED when I woke up to no gifts. 

You would be surprised to know how many years he fell for that "no gift" deal, and how many years I was pissed. I used to set him up like that a lot.

If the weather was better we would go plant flowers at my mom's grave.  I know what you are thinking.  Fun!  But it is a chance to do something nice for Mom's memory, with my kids.  This photo was taken two years ago. I turned around and this is what my twins were doing next to her grave.  

The plan for today is just like any other day.  A few Lacrosse games with my family, and who knows what else.  I think there might be some homemade gifts from school (no one is awake yet for me to be sure).

I don't want to be left alone, given store-bought gifts, and no one has to prove anything to me about how appreciated I am.  I get it.  I just feel lucky that my kids are here, that I am still here, and we get to just be.  That is lucky. 

I can't believe I really believe that. That IS lucky. 

Happy Mother's Day, mamas. Keep it real.





3 comments:

  1. Hope your day was a great one. I hate Mother's Day. My mom kives so far away from me in Montana so that makes me sad but i could never have children and today reminds me of that more then ever.

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    1. I am sorry Holli. It sounds like this day is sad for you. I hope you made it through it okay! You have my thoughts and love hon!

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  2. Oh wow! I have never been addicted to anything but I have had many of the same thoughts as you have about Mother's Day. It seems like I am just angry. I don't know what about. But today, I had the mest mother's day ever. Maybe I, too, am in recovery from all those angry years. Just maybe! Hope yours was awesome

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