Friday, June 7, 2013

Mr. Johnny Cash

The other night, I was sitting in my room (that's where I hang out and watch TV) watching Walk the Line.  I hadn't seen this movie in a long time and the addiction part of it struck me a little.

When he realizes that she flushed his pills, the panic, the terror.  I have felt that before.  No one ever flushed anything of mine.  I have felt like I would do ANYTHING to get more drugs in that instance.

I have combed through the carpet, picking up anything that resembled meth, and smoking it. And most of the time, it wasn't meth, because I usually was pretty careful about NOT dropping any. (ICK)  I have missed birthday parties, missed meetings at school, all kinds of shit.   I spent a lot of time, energy and heart ache getting those drugs.

The scene when they brought Johnny to the cabin and detoxed him.  It showed it as if taking the drugs away will solve all of his problems.  Like "he's been clean two weeks, he is fine."  Man, if it were only that easy.

When he comes to after his horrific detox from opiates (or whatever he was all taking), he immediately feels the shame of what he has done in the past. He was bringing up the pain of his father. The pain of losing his brother, the pain of all he had done. That shit is real.  And often that horror of realization of what we have done to our lives and the people we love, or the stuff we so badly screwed up, is usually what can drive us right back to using.  Reality can hurt terribly.  And the best way to fix hurt for an addicted person (before finding a recovery plan that works), is to pick up using again, and make that pain go away.

He couldn't get a gig because if the shit he pulled. He wanted to do some service work by playing for the prison. No one trusted his decisions.  You've seen the movie, or another tale of his life on maybe VH1 or a documentary.  It all seemed to work out for Mr. Cash.

I know nothing more about his recovery other than this movie. But it sure stirred up in me what it was like then, and what it is like now in my every day life.  Thank goodness I don't have to dig through my carpet anymore, feel that pain, feel that shame, and I have found a way to keep it that way.

All I know is I do love that movie.  And Joaquin Phoenix gave a fairly good example of the pain of addiction.  Although sometimes he acted like a baby (like the way he spoke.)  But maybe the Man in Black did too.


Anyhow, if these two weren't the cutest, I'm not sure what is.



5 comments:

  1. Love me some Johnny Cash!!!

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  2. I'm a mom of 3, lost them to cps because of my addiction, have 17 days clean. I love your blog, it gives me a lot of hope. Thanks for mentioning your time "carpet cruising" because i did that too...i really wanted to get loaded tonight, but your words gave me the strength to not. My sponsor isn't answering, theres no more mtgs tonight...but your blog was a God shot! Thanks for keeping it real.

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    1. I'm so glad you read it! I don't know how much clean time you've had in the past, but you gotta know these first few months can be so hard. Especially with the kid thing. Thanks for sharing that here. There IS hope. This IS possible. And worth it. I remember at 17 days sober, I had to take everything so slow. One second at a time. I'm rooting for you sister! Keep doing what you're doing. It's working!

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  3. Whoops, commented in the wrong spot. Anyway, YES, Walk the Line is such a good movie! It is, of course, the Hollywood version of the real story. I read one of Johnny Cash's later memoirs where he explains that he went on to have a serious relapse, using again for years and having all the same old consequences. I think it's almost sadder for those with money and privilege, in their addiction they can make the consequences go away and so there's very little to stop them. Not that jail or CPS is a blessing, but it can sometimes be the lifeline to getting out of the hell of addiction.

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