Thursday, July 25, 2013

Shout out to the memory of my mama

Okay, so last year I posted this on the anniversary of my mom's death.  Now another year has been added to the distance between now and that shitty day. 

I know for a fact that my mom would be proud of me.  And that we would have a lot of fun together.  Her and my dad would probably live in Florida or California in the winters and here in the summers. The whole world, for us, would be different.

But I don't think about that stuff much.  I always hear people say, "I know she is with me" after their loved one dies.  I never really feel like that. I don't feel like she's watching over me, or that she is my angel.  I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer, (even though I'm awesome at it.)  I don't feel bad about NOT feeling like that. I just don't.

So now, I'm a year older too.  Which means I'm another year closer to forty-five.  I have three years left until I'm the age she was when she got her death diagnosis.  I mean, holy shit.  I HATE thinking about that.  So I try not to.

Last night, I was suddenly washed over with really missing her.  And then I realized, July 25th is here. That must be why.  

What I was missing or wishing is that I would love to have a conversation with her.  Like ask her HOW did she handle me at fifteen?  How did she let me get into cars with people, or go to parties?  What did we talk about?  Did she believe me when I told her where I was?    

Unfortunately, I don't remember how she rolled as the parent of a teen.  I feel like I had enough freedom, but I did a lot of sneaking and lying.  I'm not dumb enough to believe I won't get a little of that back from my own kids.

But mostly, how did she seem to let go and not worry?  I do it with the help of being in a 12-step program.  And i struggle, as we all do with it.  But how did she feel about it? Did it either bother her?  I just don't remember. 

I do remember one day, probably RIGHT before she got sick, we went for a walk.  I was probably 14.  I only remember doing this with her once at our new house (at the time) on the lake. It was a beautiful summer day. And I wanted to talk about abortion.  Hey, I was fourteen. I knew how to ruin any moment. 

So we argued the whole time about what would happen if I were to get pregnant. She totally didn't want to think about it or much less talk about it.  My mom was very strong on her views about it, and they were opposite if mine. I hear she was a Rebublican. Since then, my dad has grown up into a raging liberal. So I'm sure she would have changed her political views with him, or I would still have had all of those step-moms anyhow (4).

Anyway, I think more about her on her death day than I do her birthday. It would be cool to talk to her and see how she would have also grown up. 

1 comment:

  1. I think that last night when that feeling of missing her washed over you...that was her being there with you.