Sunday, October 27, 2013

Using dreams

This might be too triggery for you tweakers out there, so look away or go talk to someone if this bothers you. 

Using dreams are common. I've heard many people talk about them and even get pretty shaken up about them. I've had them in treatment and early recovery. I haven't had one in awhile. 

This morning I woke up at the end of the worst using dream I have ever had. I'm so grateful it was only a dream. So real and awful. 

I was in two different places. Alone in the apartment above my dad's shop, and then locked in my bedroom, terrified. I could hear the crystal drop into the glass bubble, I burned it and watched it melt, could see the smoke, and I took a hit.  I could taste it. I could feel the high, I could feel the guilt and the terror of what I was doing. Of what was going to come of it. Bob wasn't with me, the kids weren't around. 

I felt all of the feelings. It felt so real.  I didn't know how I would tell Bob because I knew he would want to use, and we would soon be back to throwing our life away,  just as easy and quickly as that. And then I'd never be able to quit. I don't ever want to quit again.  Ever. 

Then I thought about counseling.  I would have to wait and be TWO years clean before I could come in contact with a client.  I had just fucked up everything. 

It was (is) terrifying to think I could bring down my whole family so easily. 

But I kept smoking. In my dream, the more I worried about it, the more I pulled my thumb back on that lighter. How true is that of addiction, even in a dream?

Why can't using dreams ever be having a blast, out at a bar, dancing and seeing live music, with my old friends, without all of the isolation and shame?  Obviously because using isn't ever like that for me. 

I'm cool with that. 

Using dreams happen. I don't know why. I don't believe they are saying anything about the quality if one's sobriety. Maybe it comes from all of the drug histories I hear at work?  But it did leave me feel icky.  I'm glad they do happen. It's a great reminder that dancing with drugs will leave a train wreck in everyone I love's life. Including mine. No thanks. 

What a day to wake up sober. I really thought I fucked things up. The relief I felt when I opened my eyes and realized it was only a dream. Whew!!  I don't ever have to live like that again, nor does my family. 

I don't know what this has to do with using dreams, I just like it. Maybe they are pulling me back into the boat?  Have a good Sunday. 


  1. Wow. Just linked to your blog from The Bloggess. What a powerful story you're telling... And dreams are so trippy. I dreamt last night that I started talking to this totally toxic guy I used to date-- and completely ruined my current relationship. I had that whole DOOM: WHAT HAVE I DONE kind of feeling which, obviously, pales in comparison to the one you had in your dream. So crazy. I don't know why we dream such things.

    Your story is awesome, glad I found your blog. I'm sticking you in my Feedly so I can keep up.

  2. I'm glad you woke up and it was a dream.

    And I think the picture is's definitely got dream like qualities.

  3. Very cool picture! Thank goodness your Reality is so much better than your Dreams!! Stay strong sister

  4. I still have cigarette dreams. Ugh.

    1. Whenever I walk by people smoking, I inhale deeply. I have one every so often now. They smell better than they taste.