Using dreams are common. I've heard many people talk about them and even get pretty shaken up about them. I've had them in treatment and early recovery. I haven't had one in awhile.
This morning I woke up at the end of the worst using dream I have ever had. I'm so grateful it was only a dream. So real and awful.
I was in two different places. Alone in the apartment above my dad's shop, and then locked in my bedroom, terrified. I could hear the crystal drop into the glass bubble, I burned it and watched it melt, could see the smoke, and I took a hit. I could taste it. I could feel the high, I could feel the guilt and the terror of what I was doing. Of what was going to come of it. Bob wasn't with me, the kids weren't around.
I felt all of the feelings. It felt so real. I didn't know how I would tell Bob because I knew he would want to use, and we would soon be back to throwing our life away, just as easy and quickly as that. And then I'd never be able to quit. I don't ever want to quit again. Ever.
Then I thought about counseling. I would have to wait and be TWO years clean before I could come in contact with a client. I had just fucked up everything.
It was (is) terrifying to think I could bring down my whole family so easily.
But I kept smoking. In my dream, the more I worried about it, the more I pulled my thumb back on that lighter. How true is that of addiction, even in a dream?
Why can't using dreams ever be having a blast, out at a bar, dancing and seeing live music, with my old friends, without all of the isolation and shame? Obviously because using isn't ever like that for me.
I'm cool with that.
Using dreams happen. I don't know why. I don't believe they are saying anything about the quality if one's sobriety. Maybe it comes from all of the drug histories I hear at work? But it did leave me feel icky. I'm glad they do happen. It's a great reminder that dancing with drugs will leave a train wreck in everyone I love's life. Including mine. No thanks.
What a day to wake up sober. I really thought I fucked things up. The relief I felt when I opened my eyes and realized it was only a dream. Whew!! I don't ever have to live like that again, nor does my family.
I don't know what this has to do with using dreams, I just like it. Maybe they are pulling me back into the boat? Have a good Sunday.