|This is Bob scraping the painted shit off of the ceiling while he cuts the top of our tree with my kitchen knife. Whatever works man.|
Last year, Bob was not living here due to his illness and my inability to accept it. He took his money with him. I saw a lawyer and was getting divorced. I was so broke. The people around me and people I don't even know rallied for my family and got us through the holidays. Unimaginable acts of kindness. I really, really was and still am grateful.
Well, as you know, he's back this year. He has made some progress. I am not sure where we will be next year. And I don't worry about it. Bob and I are friends, the kids are happier and the money is less stressful. Or maybe it's my acceptance of all of those things.
This year (the tire-fairy helped a lot) we didn't even have to sell our plasma for Christmas!! Although, there is something about doing that, that I enjoy. (Freaky chick that I am). But this year, I just didn't have any time.
This time last year, my daughter was doing online school. And now she's back at public school. She's happier, but I still worry about her. She's a great kid. Recently, I was told by a very wise friend that most people go through a period of rebellion. And if they don't do it when they are young, they will do it later. Maybe even in their 50's or 60's. It's developmental (although mine lasted decades...slow learner.) So let's just get through this together, while I'm still here to be supportive. I am as proud as I've ever been of all my kids. I'm trying (I said TRYING) to let them have their own experiences, and not letting them drive me (too) crazy with fear.
I'm heading into this teenage shit with a harm-reduction approach. I'll let you know how it turns out. So far, so good.
I have decided that either I don't give a shit about anything anymore (which could be a sign of depression and I'm in fucking trouble), or I'm getting better at practicing acceptance. I have been introduced to people who have had it worse than I could ever even imagine. I have been introduced to some of the smartest, generous, driven, inspiring, purposeful people I've ever thought possible. And I continue to be introduced to this world of speaking out, being proud, and helping others.
And with all of that, I am more content with my life. Today.
Someone once told me that some years are full of questions, and some years are full of answers. This year was full of accepting that I don't always have the answers to the questions, and having the ability to live with that, is where it's at.
I don't know where I'll be next Christmas. I have no idea if my marriage will survive another year. I have no idea what my kids will be up to. But today, I feel pretty damn good with myself. Holy shit.
The gifts of this recovery business keep coming. They never stop. I am not trying to paint a picture that we are cured, or that we aren't still a family who swears at and around each other or that my marriage is even close to being okay. I'm just not riding every wave. I'm just sitting by, and doing my thing. And that seems to still some of the waters around here.
Not every day, but many more than before.
Happy Holidays to you all. Thanks for listening to my constant babble.