Saturday, December 28, 2013

I love getting high

I love meth. And I love getting high.

And that, my friends, is the truth. 

Does that scare you?  It sure does me. The love for that high never leaves. But it becomes more clear that what comes after that high, is never worth it. So the desire and the obsession lessens, as my life in recovery grows. Thank goodness for that.  

Bob and I were in one of those smoke-shops the other day, buying a Christmas gift (incense, I swear). I noticed in the back of the store, they sold the glass bubbles used for smoking meth. I could see them from the counter.

Bob, without skipping a beat, started walking towards them saying, "Oh my god, check this out."

I grabbed him by the arm and said, "Don't fucking go near those!"  I am SUPER controlling.  And although I am way better than I used to be, there are those instances where that boy needs a leash.

Aaahhhhhhhhhh. 

I immediately felt it.  The pit of my stomach turned.  I could taste it.  I was fucking CRAVING hard.  And Bob is probably the WORST person for me to be around, when I stumble across a bubble.  It was like that bubble was the BIGGEST thing in the universe, and I was tiny and waiting to be crushed.  I literally could hear it say, "Just buy me, you don't have to put anything into me."

That bubble is a fucking liar.

I am totally for legalizing drugs (another post, another day) but I would have to figure out how I would work my recovery, if I saw people smoking meth on the street.  I would have to work so much harder at it.  Because at a weak moment, my addiction is there, and I could fuck up this whole life.

For fleeting moments, like many addicts in recovery, I forget that and the seduction of getting high overpowers me. I LOVE getting high. I mean I fucking love it. But I don't like all of the shit that comes with it. Like the scabs, the lies, the disconnection that I do with my kids and the world, loss of money, loss of myself, loss of life.

No matter how many promises come true for me in recovery,  no matter HOW well I'm doing, or how many years I get under my belt, things like that will happen and knock me out a little (like the liquor store the other day.) 

The beauty of where I'm at is that I never have to quit again. I tell that to the clients, or newly recovering people I meet.  Because the icky feeling I had in that smoke-shop the other day, is one that is magnified by one-thousand when I first quit.  And I don't ever have to feel that way again.  So I guess, I could look at that little bubble incident as a reminder, or a gift.  Never again.  

If I could have figured out a way to keep getting high without wrecking everything, I would have done it. But it doesn't work that way. At least not for me. 

I'll stay out of the smoke shop.

I was going to post a picture of a bubble off of the Internet here so those of you who don't know what they look like could see one, but it was making me feel all twitchy again, so you can Google it yourselves.  

1 comment:

  1. Great blog entry. It really doesn't work that way and that is maybe one of the keys to recovery? That we are all in a constant state of becoming healthy enough - spiritually & emotionally - to cope with those kinds of circumstances, experiences, life events, etc. Inherently "playing the tapes" to know what comes with getting high (or drunk) for us and knowing that it's truly not worth it. Loving our sober lives even MORE than we love using. That is the most amazing part of being sober - truly loving THIS life more than I love drinking.
    p.s. I am controlling too...I just snapped at my husband for cutting leftover cheesecake "wrong". he's not real happy with that move. neither am I. dammit if it isn't a work in progress.

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