Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I try not to get pissed at men.

Longish rant ahead...

I know women can offend and assault.

Men do more. We know this. And the reality of this is screaming at me so much more lately, working in the counseling field, and I'm fucking pissed. 

Raising kids, boys and a girl, it is an important subject to talk about.  You can teach them how to play sports, family traditions, your values, how to help the poor, or how to succeed in life with cash.  But if you don't teach them how to conduct themselves in situations that involve sex, relationships and basic human rights, then you aren't doing your job. It's scary shit. 

I already talk to my boys about consent, about objectification, and about being a HUMAN, not a man.   Women are people. Women are human. Women have more value than the size of their breasts and how perfect their asses are. How far they will let you go with them. That perfect ass is functional, not something to judge.

We are not whores or defined by how many people we have or haven't slept with.

Many of us women will never be able to beat a man at arm-wrestling (unless you are under the age of nine, and I speak for myself here.)  But that doesn't mean we are any less-than.

Don't get me wrong.  When I speak of this to my almost 13 year-old, it looks like it goes in one ear and out the other.  But I know he is listening.  He is drawn to a "hot" girl.  I've never been a 13 year old boy.  But I have lived with group of male United States Marines for an entire year.  So, I understand a lot of what goes through their head and what they believe.   I will NEVER stop talking to my kids about this.  

I tell this to my daughter too. Because the message is also so messed up for girls.  

So many people don't get this message. Both men and women. And the more I think about it, the more stories I hear, the more I look around, I honestly know more women who have had a sexual assault against them by a man, than I know who haven't. 

I know some men too who have been assaulted by men. 

I know there are men who get assaulted by women. I have never had anyone be honest enough to say those words in front of me yet. But I know it happens. 

We are missing something in what we are teaching our boys.

Here is what else I say to my kids.  If the person you are about to put your hands on is wasted, and can't make a good judgement, that doesn't mean she/he wants you. If they are wasted out of their minds, keep your fucking hands off of them. Help them, don't hurt them. Even if they are begging you and telling you it is okay. It isn't them talking, it's the substance in them talking. You don't want to be the one who took advantage of someone who isn't in their right mind to make an important decision like that. Keep it classy and help them. 

If a person is passed out, the answer is no. No. No. No. If you try and get with that, you are a fucking creep. A creep.  AND a criminal.  That is when the human in you should step in and help the person be safe.

This has happened to me. And hey, dude?  You are a fucking creep AND a criminal. 

I don't know many women who this HASN'T happened to. Sometimes it feels like rape. Sometimes it feels like "I shouldn't have been that fucked up." THAT should never be the problem.  The problem is that we get taken advantage of.  Does that mean that we should protect ourselves and stay in control of ourselves when we are partying?  Well, for some of us, that isn't an option, because as soon as we have one drink, we lose our control.  Don't fuck with us.

So teaching my daughter to make sure she doesn't get too drunk and stay in control, that she shouldn't put herself into "those" situations, that she shouldn't wear that skirt so short, or she shouldn't kiss this kid or that kid because she might either get a reputation, or get taken advantage of, ALWAYS feels like the natural thing to do.  I want her to be safe until the boys of the world understand that they have no fucking right to touch my baby, unless she says, in her right frame of mind, that they can..  But the truth is, we need to teach our boys that they have no rights to our girls.  That this is serious business.

Rape can look very different in different situations.  It may not always look like rape to the offender or the victim.  All I can say is, from what I have learned so far as an intern and a student, it can cloud the self-worth of the victim so much, they get so lost, and it breaks my heart AND pisses me off.

They do recover.  People can recover.  But let's talk to our kids often so this type of recovery is needed less often.  Because I see it as at LEAST 80%.  And that fucking sucks.

And by the way kids, when you pass out from alcohol, that is your body's natural defense to make sure you don't drink anymore.  It can also be fatal.  (Had to throw that in there.)

The end.


  1. This is such an important topic. Both boys and girls need someone to tell them these basic truths about respect for themselves and each other. I blamed myself for so long after I was raped, and it skewed my perceptions horribly for a long time, especially since no one corrected those perceptions. Thank you for writing this clearly!

    1. Thank you for sharing that. And you are right, this is an important topic.

  2. YES!! Well said! I think we definitely need to do something in communication and raising the young man these days. It's horrifying that when a girl is being cornered, the rest of boys take pictures and join in. SOMEONE has to step up and say this isnt right. You are correct in that most women have experienced this more than have not. No means No. Period!