Saturday, January 11, 2014

Codependent still..

When I started writing this blog, it was my (then) friend Beth's idea that Thursdays would be a day where I would make jokes about being codependent. 

I even titled that section, "You might be codependent if..."

Then I would ramble on about a way that I might be codependent, and end it with something like this: 

You Might Be Codependent if...

You feel like you owe everyone an explanation for what you want to do with your life.

You feel like you have to persuade everyone to agree with you.

You forget that everyone has a right to their opinion, its not your job to change it.

You read my stuff and still think I am responsible for how other people feel.
You feel you can't do enough for people to act how you want.

Like I have said before, I have been suggested Alanon by quite a few people in my day.  And I just don't have the time.  I can tell though, that by listening to others who are Alanon regulars, I HAVE been able to let go of a lot of stuff I can't control, and accept what I can.  My life is much more peaceful that way. 

I can, however, see the folks that need Alanon, clear as day.  Every time I suggest Alanon to someone, I laugh inside.  And when I tell my friends at AA that I suggested Alanon, they get a huge laugh out of that.  But those who don't know what is in their control and what isn't, stick out to me like a sore thumb.  And as much as I try to help these folks, THAT isn't my job.  I am codependent of the codependents!!  That is sick.  
Letting go doesn't feel good. It feels like I lose whatever it is I'm trying to control.  I feel like a loser.  I feel really angry and hurt.  I thought letting go meant you let go of the person all together.  But letting go means not allowing their actions hurt you.  Letting go of feeling responsible for their actions.  They may still do shitty things, but I don't have to feel bad about it.  
Sometimes I LIKE feeling bad.  

Having kids, a mentally ill husband, and a world of people to interact with, has taught me that if I just let go of how they live their lives, and keep my kids and myself as safe as I can, I can live a somewhat peaceful life. When people are making me feel bad, and I can't let go of how their actions are making me feel, it is time to cut them out.

Does any of this make sense?

People are going to hurt my kids, and I can't even do anything about that.   God knows I have tried with FORCE to right the wrongs people have done to my kids.  I can only teach my kids what I know.  We are only responsible for us.  And no one else.  Just like they are responsible for them.

I may repeat this throughout this blog.  But it is something I learn over and over again, fuck up, and learn again.  I appreciate those, even when they have to go out of our lives, who teach me this again.  Practice makes progress.

Oh, and today is my son's 13th birthday today. Another teenager is in the HOUSE!


  1. I feel like I could use Al-Anon sometimes. I used to often go to either Al-Anon or ACOA when I was younger, but I felt a little awkward and out of place because the groups were mostly older people with spouses who were recovering alcoholics. Maybe one of these days I'll go again.

    1. It seems harder to find a good Alanon meetings. But I know they are out there. I really hate it, because I need it so bad. I'm hanging on to those defects and choking them to death. Except they don't go away:)