Sunday, January 19, 2014

The truth? Again?

Today is a "I'm getting that divorce" day. I go back and forth every day. I change my mind a lot. Mostly with what I think I can stand for the rest of my life, and what I can't. I'll think "well, I can live with or without this or that."

I've noticed that Bob's "anxiety" increases when I am busier, or unavailable to do things around here. If I have to intern all day and go to school at night, he is snappier, crabbier, and treats me like shit. Of course he doesn't do anything to help me out more during these stressful times, and every single thing he does do, I hear about it like I'm supposed to take the time to say "thank you," for each thing. 

I ain't got time to thank him for making waffles. I'm one person. How about thanking me for working hard at this fucking degree?  Nope. I should be happy he's paying for it. 

Fast forward to this minor procedure I just had. 

Nothing cuter than before and after pictures of the scalded uterus.
Well, it knocked me on my ass more than my gallbladder removal did. I've basically been sleeping a lot.  I don't even remember yesterday, and I wasn't on any pain meds. 

So when I'm busy, or unavailable, I get attitude. From everyone. Especially Bob. 

What does this look like?  I get a full list of what he did for the kids. And then I get told that he pays for everything. I get told that he pays for my school, my health insurance, and all kinds of shit. Even though, he spends 80% of his day in bed, I should be appreciative. Because he pays.  

I get why he does that.  He feels bad about himself, and that money coming in is all he has.  So he holds it over my head like a carrot.  I could love him more, try harder, be better, but I don't feel like it.   Because the money gets us by, but it isn't a marriage.  

And that's a bunch of fucking bullshit anyway. It is controlling and abusive. I won't take it one more second...well until after I get my degree.

Bob will start volunteering at the VA (hopefully) in a few weeks. Maybe he will feel better about himself and get off my ass.  This week he will be gone on a 3 night field-trip with the twins. He can add that to the long list of shit he does.  I hope he follows through with the VA thing. 

I won't go into this much, because it's me being a broken record. Just know that this last semester is going to be a bitch. I'll have to keep my wits about me. But mostly, I'll need a GOOD job at the end. 

And then, I'll be free to decide. 

Free. 

6 comments:

  1. Awww shit, is a job going to set you free! Seriously, girl. Having a career is freedom. Just keep your eyes on the prize. You totally got this.

    And honestly? Keep writing about it. If it helps you, that is. I know it is always helpful to people when other people are honest.

    My favorite writer, Anne Lamott says, "You know what happens when you tell someone one of your secrets? The person you told says, 'Me too.'

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    1. That is beautiful. Thank you. I agree.

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  2. hang in there you're so close to the finish line.
    Barb

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  3. I've known a lot of guys who have that attitude, where they expect their wife or girlfriend to take care of everything around the house, and if they help out at all it is supposed to be a huge gift to humanity. I hate that!

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