Saturday, April 19, 2014

I used to smoke cigs

I started smoking when I was YOUNG. Like kindergarten young. We would take three quarters either to the gas station, or the bowling alley and get them from the vending machine. We told the clerk it was for our moms. Then we would go down to the creek and smoke them, one after another, until we were sick. 

I didn't really get a great habit until I was about 12 or 13. Then I really started huffing away. We could still buy them from the same places, but we may have forged some notes. It wasn't hard to hide because my dad and my sister smoked. 

Not smoking here, but probs did soon after taken.
One day, when I was walking around Phalen Lake, my cousin saw me and told my folks. I thought he was the BIGGEST asshole ever.  I was terrified my dad would be pissed, but I don't remember if he was. He made my brother EAT a cigarette once. That fear didn't stop me.  I don't really remember what my consequences were.  

I smoked from that age on, until I was pregnant with my daughter at 27. I was able to quit, just like that, when I was pregnant. I smoked in the house before the kids came. Probably a pack a day. It never bothered Bob and he never asked me to stop. He didn't ever smoke cigs. He was pretty tolerant of that. 

When I wasn't pregnant, I couldn't stop smoking to save my life. I always seemed to have a job where smoking was either allowed inside (even at my desk, like on Madmen) or where smoke breaks were a vital part of the socialization of the job. 

When I would drink or do drugs, I would chain smoke. One after the other. If I was home, I would blow it out the window. My kids were so young, they never said anything. But they knew. And I would lie and say, "no and stop asking."  Because I thought if they knew I smoked, they would think it was okay and someday smoke themselves. I basically taught them to lie. Which, by some great stroke of luck, they don't really do too well or too often. Or maybe they do. 

When I sobered up four summers ago, smoking didn't taste good anymore. I would buy a pack, and smoke them to and from meetings, if I went out with sober friends (of which few smoke anymore) and when I started school, I would go out on breaks and smoke to socialize. But it didn't taste the same to me. They were always a little gross. And I smoked them anyhow. Addiction is odd. 

I noticed that my packs would get stale, because I would FORGET to smoke, and I'd end up throwing them away.  So I started just bumming them off of people. It seemed like most smoked menthol (fucking disgusting). I even swiped my daughter's ecig, but that is nasty too. 

So guess what?  I don't smoke and I didn't even have to quit. I just stopped. I forgot to keep smoking. I haven't smoked normally since I sobered up. It annoys people that I CAN have one and be done. I will say this. If I step foot into a casino, I smoke. But I throw or give them away before I walk out the door. But I go to one of those 3-4 times a year. 

I am so glad that I don't  smoke anymore.  And it didn't have to quit.  It quit me.  

3 comments:

  1. Good for you! I still puff a e-cig now and again. Not quite as nasty as the tobacco ones. Happy Easter.
    xx Shannon :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ugh. Its the social part that gets me. Every. Time.

    And I always think I can have "just one"
    And since I slipped, and have to quit all over again, well then I may as well smoke the rest of the night too- since tomorrow will suck anyway.
    And then shit, im buying my own pack and hiding in the closet.

    It just feels lonely when everyone else is enjoying something I cant. Im pretty sure you know this already. And probably much better than I do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ugh. Its the social part that gets me. Every. Time.

    And I always think I can have "just one"
    And since I slipped, and have to quit all over again, well then I may as well smoke the rest of the night too- since tomorrow will suck anyway.
    And then shit, im buying my own pack and hiding in the closet.

    It just feels lonely when everyone else is enjoying something I cant. Im pretty sure you know this already. And probably much better than I do.

    ReplyDelete