Wednesday, May 21, 2014

24 hour rule

Bob is a lot of work. Or should I say, taking on his shit is a lot of work. 

One thing you need to know about Bob is that he isn't quiet. He yells when he talks. It doesn't matter what he is talking about. The weather, sports, parenting, whatever the topic. Not in a mean way. Just LOUD.  I am not quite sure WHEN this started, but he yells on the phone, when he talks to anyone, every time. It is so annoying. Really. Not to be insensitive, but it drives me nuts. I'm forever shhhhushing him. 

Last night at a function, (I had already gone home), where my twins and Bob were, one of the facilitators (not understanding his disability) came up to him, in front of our kids, and other people, and told him to stop talking so loud, that she could hear every word he was saying down the hall. He was talking about stamped concrete (don't ask me) with some other dads.  

I'm sure they thought he was drunk or something. But really, it's from anxiety. He can't sit still or talk quiet. It is annoying, but HARMLESS. 

He left that place immediately, humiliated. Didn't they understand what it takes to get him out of the house?  How self conscious he is about is disability?  How scared he is all of the time?  It makes him talk loud, which is better than sleeping in my book. 

Once he got home and told me, I rushed back up there to have a word with her.  She said some other people were reporting that they could hear him complaining about doing a volunteer trip he had participated in twice, when all he said about it was, the weather was freezing, both times he went. That's it.

Who reports stuff like that?  

She said she would apologize to him, but our conversation was cut short.  So, I emailed her. Then I emailed her again. And then again. Then I emailed her boss. 

You see, I know exactly how to play it cool. 

So I've decided, from now on, even when I believe my point of view is right, I'm waiting 24 hours before I react to anyone.  Sticking up for yourself and your people can be necessary  Not allowing yourself to be walked on, bullied, or put down can be important. But if it can wait, and most things can, I think I would have sent less emails had I given it the 24 hours. 

I don't think I handled it wrong, rude, or mean. I just could have maybe written ONE email. Not three. Makes me look a little weird. Well...let's face it. Maybe I am. 

I'll take it as another opportunity to learn and practice good coping skills. I'll let you know how it goes. 

Another thing I noticed about myself is that I can say whatever I want about Bob. But you other folks had better not. Because even during a divorce, I will defend him and his illness. Being sensitive should always be present. Especially in a helping profession. 


  1. I am so glad you handled it to proactively. However, I definitely learned the 24 hour rule from experience. It's generally not a good idea to respond in anger, but in this case I am glad you did. She had no right to say that to him.

  2. This has rarely worked out well for me either. Instead of waiting, I may go ahead and type up the email, but just not send it. That helps to let off some of my steam immediately. When I go back to it, sometimes I edit it then send it, sometimes I delete. Never have I sent the original email that I typed in haste!

  3. To be fair, I talk REALLY loud too. We are the loud family. Every single one of us. Bob doesn't have an inside voice anymore. It's anxiety driven. I'm just loud. I have no excuse.

  4. Nope- you did the right thing! Poor Bob, i hate that he went away feeling humiliated. You're a sweetheart for defending him. We all need each other to have our backs.
    Oh and i'm loud too! I used to not be but i'm a corporate trainer that has to project my voice over lots of people in a classroom. My husband shusshes me. LOL

    1. I just get really excited when I talk. Also, my hearing is not the greatest. So I think that's why I'm so loud. It serves me well sometimes. Sometimes not!

    2. I still haven't gotten a response from my emails.