I believe I am suffering from P.C.D, or Post-College Depression. It is where you go from having even the time you take a pee planned out, to having nothing to do. Like training for a marathon, and then being made to sit still. I do well with chaos and structure. I get depressed when I have nothing to do.
It hasn't even been two weeks. My house is still an over-whelming mess, my kids are worrying me sick, and I have zero energy. Zero. I planned on getting SO much done during this time between when I get a job, and school. All I want to do is sleep. Fucking depression hits like bricks and messes up my life. I look for gratitude, which is all around me. I mean, my friends and my daughter threw me a surprise party with gifts and food and cake. I have people who love me. But I'm hitting a dark patch. Which is normal for me sometimes.
I am weirdly sad this year that I don't have my mom. I mean, it's been like 27 years since she died. I've been a million different people since then. But it would be nice to have her here, to help me through this next part. To see my family and to be here. I feel her here more, her memory, I guess.
My dad has been talking a lot about her lately. Which worries me. Isn't that what people do before they die? I think he has finally put enough time between him and the last of his four other wives he married after she died (not all at the same time) to remember how much he loved her. They were high-school sweethearts, and she died way too young. So her memory got shoved aside. He is feeling her more. I like to see that, but it makes me sad.
Her death fucked me up good. The aftermath fucked me up too. I had not a skill to cope. And now, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have her here. Stopping by, calling on the phone, I'd ask her stupid questions, probably getting annoyed with her advice.
I want her back.
On that happy note, Happy Mother's day to you. Whether you have kids, don't have kids, or are a guy. Have a great Mother's day.