Thursday, June 26, 2014

Feeling shamed and a Kitty

Hey Y'all!  

I had a impromptu dinner tonight with a friend of mind who is also in recovery. I was talking to her about my latest endeavors, and how I feel about this and about that. I didn't have a particularly good day today, so basically I was bitching. 

She kindly and wisely listened to me for a bit and then she said something that threw me off. She explained that many years ago, her therapist told her husband that every time he pointed out a mistake she made or a correction she should make, she felt shame, which came back to him as fear and anger. Because she's alcoholic, she looked at life through lenses of shame. 

I have been thinking about this HARD. 

Is it because we have this brain disease?  How we were raised?  Is it because we are trying to recover the shit that is done to us as women? Or is it just the way some people are?  There is probably some truth to all of this.

I'm really going to start paying attention to this. Because I can be having a great day, or a great relationship with someone, and someone will say something simple to me, like, "you didn't fill out your application right for this, you missed THIS whole section," and if they don't say it to me with rainbows and butterflies shooting out of their orifices, I assume they think I'm stupid, and I feel shamed. So guess how I respond?  I write an email. Or a text. Or I talk about them behind their back, and of course, OF COURSE, I blog about it. 

What good has that gotten me so far?  Zero good. Because MOST of the time, that person has said a TON of nice stuff to me that would lead me to believe they don't think I'm stupid.  I can hear thirty compliments and one put-down and that put-down will get me spinning for days from feeling shamed.  

Like a broken record, I will again remind you that I still operate in a world where I need to feel liked.  It just didn't occur to me that it stems from a shame issue.  It totally makes sense. 

Forever a work in progress. 

Thanks, dinner buddy.

By the way, I got a kitten for my daughter's birthday. His name is Atticus. A.K.A., Kitty. He is a goof.  




2 comments:

  1. I totally get this. I'm the exact same way and I never saw it as shame until now but it makes a lot of sense. I've mentioned to my partner in the past that I know it comes from being insecure about myself. I've known this has been an issue of my mine and in the last few years it has become clearer to me that my getting defensive when someone says something remotely negative about me is a deep rooted insecurity, probably from a lack of self esteem or self confidence. I don't know where or how this all started but I've been trying so hard to fix it and with what feels like no progress so far. No to mention that being pregnant has made me feel a lot more emotional and defensive than usual. If you find a cure for this please let me know lol

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  2. it is crazy that you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice but once you make ONE mistake- its never forgotten! Betsey, i'm proud of you for even recognizing this and posting about it. We are always in the position to learn something every day. Cute kitty!!

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