Sunday, July 20, 2014

I'm normal

I've arrived. Graduated, employed, chaos gone, normalcy in place.

I'm bored. 

And this is how I know I am still addicted, because this is the feeling that is most unsettling to me, and my biggest trigger. I've got my ducks in a row. My kids are busy with friends, sports and a bunch of other shit that will work itself out. I've worked on letting go of so much, that I worry about little. I don't have a significant other, but a roommate. I have a life like a lot of people, some who are healthy. 

My time is still filled up. This is the first evening this week that I didn't have something going on. I saw my friends last weekend. But that balls-to-the-wall, stress-filled wonder-life that I had when I was going to school, with all the pressure of homework hanging over my head, while my family went through crisis after crisis, is gone...for now.

I am not suggesting that I will create a crisis, (which is what I COULD do). And I'm not going to start using drugs, or have plastic surgery or get a boyfriend to create some drama...although the last two could be fun!  I just get incredibly bored with normal. I still haven't worked out being comfortable with with it.

I know this is a issue for people in early recovery.  And it can be a issue for us all the way through.

Since I've been sober, this is the most "normal" (I hate that word when used to represent a life) I have been. This is the most normal I've ever been. And the most free. So THIS is the test for someone who has that little nasty addiction illness living in her brain. If one wanted to NOT practice "one day at a time," one could wonder how am I going to proceed normally, without fucking it up?  

I look at these a lot:


(I couldn't get them to show up very well.) But these are scars in between my thighs, right above my knees. I was smoking meth out of a glass bubble (sorry to trigger the tweakers) and I dropped it and tried to catch it between my bare legs. Needless to say,  it burned me really bad. And the scars are still there. BUT I didn't break the bubble, so it wasn't in vain.  I have those scars, and my faint scars on my arms from my mad arm picking days. I can look at those and remember what the wrong kind of chaos can bring. 

The folks I work with come in drowning in the wrong kind of chaos. I can smell the fumes of their addiction. I can see the sad, sick, desperate twinkle in their eyes. I get a rush from that. I don't know if that is good or bad. But it certainly is a reminder that although my "normal" might seem boring, it is so much nicer than quitting again.  And most certainly better than the wrong kind of chaos. 

And that is how I get through "normal."  Besides, I'm sure a storm is a-brewing right around the corner. 

And it's name is grad school...if I get in, that is. 

4 comments:

  1. You'll get in to grad school, I feel certain. Enjoy the calm before the storm. You'll be longing for it somewhere in the middle of your first semester. It's all good.

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  2. I'm very interested in/curious about this. Do you think this dissatisfaction with "normal" has always been part of your personality, or is it present because of being sober now? Was it there before and maybe part of what led you to a period of addiction? I'm always searching for "why" with regard to my Dad and his addiction. During the turbulent times with him I always wondered why "normal" wasn't appealing enough for him to say clean and sober each time that he quit.

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    1. I am pretty sure it has always been part of me. But then, I've had chaos for so long, that it just feels natural. I think it started when I was 16 and my mom died. I remember being pretty satisfied with normal before that. I can't really put my finger on it though. It is a part of the brain changes that occur with drugs and alcohol. It can be a lot of things.

      Trying to figure out the "why" of addiction can be frustrating. There are so many different reasons. Coping skills (lack of), stressors, triggers, the pathway changes in the brain, all of it. It is powerful stuff.

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    2. Yes, the "why" has almost consumed me at times. Not anymore though.

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